Friday
Jan222010
This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 12:05AM | Mr Lady
Dear Edward,
I loved you from the first minute I saw you, which was really convenient for both of us because the very next minute, I became your auntie.
You were so little and sweet, open to anything, with all the love in the world to give. You are still that little boy smiling up at me and calling me auntie for the first time, except that now you're a man. Today, this day, you aren't our baby anymore. I'm going to be totally honest with you, since you're all grown up and shit, yo; I'm not ready for this.
I'm not ready to watch you march off into this very big, very ugly world all alone. I worry that I didn't tell you enough, enough of everything. I am afraid that you don't really know what's out there, and I'm mostly afraid that I won't be there to catch you when you fall. And you will fall, a lot. I worry about how many ways you could fall; into drugs or into fatherhood or into 'I'll go to college after I take a year off'. Don't take a year off, baby. I took "a year off" from seeing you and in that year you went from 3rd grade to graduating high school. It goes faster than you think it does, that year.
I look at you and I see power that knows no bounds and strength that most dying, old men will never know. I see destiny before me in the most beautiful little package, and I pray that you see it, too.
I pray that you tap that thing inside of you that makes you the fastest and the strongest and the funniest and the kindest of all god's children. I dream that your dreams come true in the biggest way, and I dream that you don't have to look as hard as I did, or as your mother did, to find them. I hope that these women in your life; me, your momma and your auntie, that we've shown you what the smallest of people can do when they put their heads down and reach for something with everything they have. I hope that we've been enough to fill the void your father left, that we've shown you that anyone can, and they can anything, no matter what life shits out in their path.
Mostly, I hope that you can look back on your childhood, the one that legally comes to a screeching halt today, and smile. I hope that you knew joy and love and happiness. I hope that we were able to give you that in plentitude, because it's all we ever wanted to do.
You changed this family the day you were born. You changed my life the first time you took my hand. You made some of the hardest times of my life easier, you reminded me to laugh when it was too hard to breath. You made me strong and brave. You kept our whole family together when the walls were falling around us, you kept us sane when there was no sanity to be had, because we all believe in you. We'd all fight for you, we'd all die for you, but more importantly, we all live for you.
I want you to know that everything that comes, goes. That nothing is so hard, you can't see it through to the other side, if you only try. I want you to know that every mistake can turn out to be a miracle if you're willing to let it. I want you to know that you have decades before you have to anything. I want you to know that no amount of fame or money or pussy will replace laughter, that no promotion or accolade will replace an honest, tight hug. That no amount of anything can fill your heart like loving someone, and having them love you back, can. I also want you to know that love changes faster than the tides, it ebbs and flows, it comes to you and it pulls away and it's never a loss when it's gone, because it always leaves a scar in your heart.
I want you to know that scars are the only thing you'll take with you out of this world, and I want you to cherish yours. They are the roadmap of your life; that football concusion, this surgery, that broken heart. Cherish everything, even what hurts, for every moment of your life is currency in the bank of your soul.
Don't neglect your soul. Feed it well. Love passionately, love often, and every time you love, you will find you do it differently, for different reasons. Only by this will you know the true capacity of your heart. Eat what makes you feel good. Sometimes, you're going to need a cheeseburger and the biggest coke they make. Get them. Sometimes, you're going to need a salad. Get that, too. It doesn't make you a sissy. And skip the brussel sprouts. They are gross and they don't do anything for you that you can't get in a Flintstone's vitamin, and I'm sorry we've lied to you all these years and made you eat them anyway, 'for your own good'. When you become a father, this particular brand of torture will be passed down to you.
Don't become a father. Good god in heaven, don't do it yet. You will spend the next 15 years feeling very grown, indeed, and very confident in every decision you make, and one day you'll wake up and realize that you were wrong about almost everything. Allow yourself that margin of error to trip and fall, to dig holes and climb out of them. Give yourself the gift of discovering you. There is plenty of time to fall truly, madly, deeply in love, and fall right back out of it, and there is plenty of time to have a family. Until then, let us be your family. Let yourself hang on to this magic you live under the spell of. Children are the most amazing, wonderful, life altering gift we're ever given in life, and they are motherfucking hard. And really expensive, but you already know that Mr I Only Wear Nike and Underarmour, now don't you? Go to college, be broke and starve, read books and learn to shoot pool and drink beer and play football and kiss girls and grow just a little more, okay? Live YOUR life, the life you've earned. And put a damn condom on while you do it.
Aside: I just threw up a little. Let's never say the word condom again, shall we?
But most importantly, remember this. No matter where you go or what you do, Team Edward is waiting in the wings, watching you more closely than you'd like, and we're cheering with raucous voices for you. We will always hold your hand, and we'll always lift you up, and we'll always be there, waiting. Even when you can't see us, even when you think there is no one in the world for you, we will always be there. You are the mortar that our family's walls are built out of, you are our beacon bringing us all back home.
I loved you from the first minute I saw you, which was really convenient for both of us because the very next minute, I became your auntie.
You were so little and sweet, open to anything, with all the love in the world to give. You are still that little boy smiling up at me and calling me auntie for the first time, except that now you're a man. Today, this day, you aren't our baby anymore. I'm going to be totally honest with you, since you're all grown up and shit, yo; I'm not ready for this.
I'm not ready to watch you march off into this very big, very ugly world all alone. I worry that I didn't tell you enough, enough of everything. I am afraid that you don't really know what's out there, and I'm mostly afraid that I won't be there to catch you when you fall. And you will fall, a lot. I worry about how many ways you could fall; into drugs or into fatherhood or into 'I'll go to college after I take a year off'. Don't take a year off, baby. I took "a year off" from seeing you and in that year you went from 3rd grade to graduating high school. It goes faster than you think it does, that year.
I look at you and I see power that knows no bounds and strength that most dying, old men will never know. I see destiny before me in the most beautiful little package, and I pray that you see it, too.
I pray that you tap that thing inside of you that makes you the fastest and the strongest and the funniest and the kindest of all god's children. I dream that your dreams come true in the biggest way, and I dream that you don't have to look as hard as I did, or as your mother did, to find them. I hope that these women in your life; me, your momma and your auntie, that we've shown you what the smallest of people can do when they put their heads down and reach for something with everything they have. I hope that we've been enough to fill the void your father left, that we've shown you that anyone can, and they can anything, no matter what life shits out in their path.
Mostly, I hope that you can look back on your childhood, the one that legally comes to a screeching halt today, and smile. I hope that you knew joy and love and happiness. I hope that we were able to give you that in plentitude, because it's all we ever wanted to do.
You changed this family the day you were born. You changed my life the first time you took my hand. You made some of the hardest times of my life easier, you reminded me to laugh when it was too hard to breath. You made me strong and brave. You kept our whole family together when the walls were falling around us, you kept us sane when there was no sanity to be had, because we all believe in you. We'd all fight for you, we'd all die for you, but more importantly, we all live for you.
I want you to know that everything that comes, goes. That nothing is so hard, you can't see it through to the other side, if you only try. I want you to know that every mistake can turn out to be a miracle if you're willing to let it. I want you to know that you have decades before you have to anything. I want you to know that no amount of fame or money or pussy will replace laughter, that no promotion or accolade will replace an honest, tight hug. That no amount of anything can fill your heart like loving someone, and having them love you back, can. I also want you to know that love changes faster than the tides, it ebbs and flows, it comes to you and it pulls away and it's never a loss when it's gone, because it always leaves a scar in your heart.
I want you to know that scars are the only thing you'll take with you out of this world, and I want you to cherish yours. They are the roadmap of your life; that football concusion, this surgery, that broken heart. Cherish everything, even what hurts, for every moment of your life is currency in the bank of your soul.
Don't neglect your soul. Feed it well. Love passionately, love often, and every time you love, you will find you do it differently, for different reasons. Only by this will you know the true capacity of your heart. Eat what makes you feel good. Sometimes, you're going to need a cheeseburger and the biggest coke they make. Get them. Sometimes, you're going to need a salad. Get that, too. It doesn't make you a sissy. And skip the brussel sprouts. They are gross and they don't do anything for you that you can't get in a Flintstone's vitamin, and I'm sorry we've lied to you all these years and made you eat them anyway, 'for your own good'. When you become a father, this particular brand of torture will be passed down to you.
Don't become a father. Good god in heaven, don't do it yet. You will spend the next 15 years feeling very grown, indeed, and very confident in every decision you make, and one day you'll wake up and realize that you were wrong about almost everything. Allow yourself that margin of error to trip and fall, to dig holes and climb out of them. Give yourself the gift of discovering you. There is plenty of time to fall truly, madly, deeply in love, and fall right back out of it, and there is plenty of time to have a family. Until then, let us be your family. Let yourself hang on to this magic you live under the spell of. Children are the most amazing, wonderful, life altering gift we're ever given in life, and they are motherfucking hard. And really expensive, but you already know that Mr I Only Wear Nike and Underarmour, now don't you? Go to college, be broke and starve, read books and learn to shoot pool and drink beer and play football and kiss girls and grow just a little more, okay? Live YOUR life, the life you've earned. And put a damn condom on while you do it.
Aside: I just threw up a little. Let's never say the word condom again, shall we?
But most importantly, remember this. No matter where you go or what you do, Team Edward is waiting in the wings, watching you more closely than you'd like, and we're cheering with raucous voices for you. We will always hold your hand, and we'll always lift you up, and we'll always be there, waiting. Even when you can't see us, even when you think there is no one in the world for you, we will always be there. You are the mortar that our family's walls are built out of, you are our beacon bringing us all back home.
Reader Comments (32)
I don't even know him and I love him. Happy birthday.
Unbelievably good. I cried, I laughed and I want to copy and paste this and use it for my own child, god forbid she ever becomes an adult without me knowing it, because... it's brilliant. And beautiful. And I wish everyone has someone in their life like you.
Great photos Awesome words about a lucky and very well loved young man. I am sharing some of these same sentiments with my own son who just hit his 18th Go enjoy the world Edward.
Wow! The love you have for him is enormous, it pours off the page. I hope he revels in it because not everyone is lucky enough to have that. You bring happy tears to my eyes Mr Lady.
Listen to your auntie, Edward. No truer words of wisdom have ever been passed down. I'd like to add, choose a favorite beer. You have three more years until that needs to happen (quote quote), but it's an important thing, so just keep that in mind. Welcome to adulthood, kid.
You are such an awesome writer! You brought tears to my eyes.
He's so lucky to have you for his Aunt. You're so lucky to have him for a nephew, he sounds wonderful.
WOW!
That's all I can say is WOW!
You are a fantastic writer. It feels as if I know him.
As I read I remembered my own childhood, the things my mom said was good for me. Things I shouldn't do until I was a certian age. Boy the memories.
It amazes me now that I am a mother, all the things I was told by my mom about life. We all thought she was crazy. AS I think about my frame of mind even as a teenager, it scares me as I raise my own daughter. As much as we think we know, they are always a step ahead. My goal is to get that extra step in and watch her grow into a beautiful positive role model that I know she can be.
Thanks for sharing this.
Terri-
: This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/01/22/18th/
I like the femmes reference. RT @mrlady : This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record http://is.gd/6MHmo
Part of me wished that my mother had written something like this, a handbook for the real world. Another part thinks she did write it, with actions rather than words.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: when you choose to be serious for real, you rock the socks off the world. This? I want you to know that everything that comes, goes. That nothing is so hard, you can’t see it through to the other side, if you only try. I want you to know that every mistake can turn out to be a miracle if you’re willing to let it. Amazing.
My sentiments were the same, albeit my words not quite as eloquent, when I wrote my son a letter for his 18th birthday. We try so hard to pass our "wisdom" along to kids when they become adults and they try just as hard to ignore everything we say. All we can truly hope is that one kernel...one word....one thought can penetrate and germinate and help them become the adults we know they have the potential to be. Also, it helps to remember, when they are totally trying our patience and making us wish for an ice pick to jam into our eyes, that one day - hopefully far far away - they will have kids and realize we really did know what we were talking about.
Happy Birthday to your nephew. I wish for his birthday that he becomes all you know him to be!
This post gave me goosebumps. :)
love this. you have such a gift.
I love this. The message, and how you say it.
You've got me thinking about my nephew, approaching teenage-hood and having gone through more than a kid his age should have to.
Your nephew is a lucky kid to have people like you in his life that can be this honest and direct and authentic with him.
(You know, they could just hand out this post along with high school diplomas....)
If only I had an auntie who cared this much, the entire 'syphilis' episode wouldn't have happened.
Seriously? NO ONE could give me advice about condoms?!
You're a great aunt.
This is AMAZING! Your words are so captivating. This is the perfect birthday letter. Happy Birthday to Edward. May he cherish this letter for MANY MANY years. I felt all the love you have for him in every word of it and this warmed me so much!
This is a wonderful birthay letter. I wish I could write one like it in 4 years, but that privilige has been taken a way permanetly. Edward--listen and follow. Don't just shrug off your aunt's words. Thease are all things, we wish someone woul have told us and things if we hjad been tol we wish we would have listened and not blown off such wonderful advise.
Absolutely inspiring. 18 is a scary age, so glad he's got such a good team.
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday - http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2010/01/five-star-fridays-edition-88.html
You know what sucks? Having a nephew that is old enough to commit felonies. http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/01/22/18th/
awwwwwww
I love this. Love.
You are such a wonderful woman with such an amazing heart.
Wow.
Well said.
Let me hit you, yo ;)
What a winning smile he has.
How wonderful that he has family who care this deeply, and can give such sage advice.
What a lucky man.
What a wonderful tribute to him. He is a very lucky young man
and you area wonderful auntie and a wonderful writer.
So much love.
I think he's gonna do big things.
Stunningly beautiful! I laughed. I cried. Now, I just feel all good, warm, and sentimental. What a writer you are!
This post is absolutely brilliant!! Love it!! Happy Birthday to the man
Seriously, this is one of your best posts EVER.
Not so seriously, it cracked me up that you mentioned that you never want to share the word condom with him again, but pussy was not an issue...HAHAHAHA!!!
Aunt Crazy
This was so touching, makes me think of my 20 year old son and how grown he is! Your nephew is gorgeous!!
I'm just warning you that my niece is turning 19 in March and I'm totally plagiarizing this post (changing the name, quite obviously! and adapting some stuff to the fact that she is, well, a girl).
Love you, yo - but you already knew this.
That was beautiful. Very inspiring... makes me think more of how I want to parent my son better. Thank you for that.
Just have to say: "Cherish everything, even what hurts, for every moment of your life is currency in the bank of your soul." --just amazing.