Monday
Jan252010
If The Paranoia Doesn't Destroy Me, The Insomnia Sure Will
Monday, January 25, 2010 at 1:45AM | Mr Lady
When I was a little girl, I used to lie in my bed at night, totally awake, praying for sleep to come. It rarely did. I convinced myself that laying there resting was just as good as actually sleeping, but it wasn't. Every night, while I tried to sleep, visions of ghouls and witches danced in my head, and I felt the icy fingers of death clawing at my eyeballs. My mother told me evil spirits were trying to possess me. My doctor, 20 years later, told me I have astigmatism. So, woot, the pain in my eyes at night has a totally valid medical reason. The delusions of screaming banshee demons sent from hell to steal away my soul were totally my mother's fault.
Takes one to know one.
When I was in my 20's, I worked the breakfast shift at one of those places you go to clog your arteries the way your momma used to do it. I was up at 5 every morning, and by 2 I'd waited on about 200 people. Then I went home and chased two toddlers all by myself for the rest of the day. I was never up past 9 at night, ever.
Now I stay at home with my kids and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can not sleep. I can not sleep right now and my boys can get up and make their own breakfast, and my daughter sleeps until 1030 every day anyway, so my body knows it's going to get it's sleep in eventually. But I don't want it then...I want it now, while my eyeballs have bricks in them. I try; I lay there every night while my head spins. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, I just can't fall asleep. I think that maybe I'll get up an have a cigarette but I don't really want one. I fact, I don't think I ever want another one again. It's a digusting habit, and I'm totally quitting as of now. It doesn't matter at all that I have quit smoking every single night for the past 2,000 nights or so. I think about all the other things I could be doing, like the laundry, which involves way more thought power than I am capable of expending at 1:30 in the morning, or going to the gym, which is open 24 hours and would totally wear me out, but it is all the way (2 minutes) over there (from my house) and I'd have to dig my gym clothes out of the laundry piles, which ugh, and then the whole thing turns into a blog post and I don't have a blog post for tomorrow and I can type one with one eye open except that one eye burns because I am beyond exhausted.
And there doesn't seem to be a way for me to get sleeping pills to help this, because I'm totally too afraid to ask a doctor for sleeping pills because he'll think I'm a drug-seeker. If he thinks I'm a drug seeker, there's no way he's going to give me the other prescriptions I need. If I can't get the other prescriptions I need, I will go stark-raving mad and the demons will start poking my eyeballs out in the middle of the night again and I will never sleep.
And so I get up and I type. And eat some chocolate cake. I think should have just had a smoke and gone to the gym.
Takes one to know one.
When I was in my 20's, I worked the breakfast shift at one of those places you go to clog your arteries the way your momma used to do it. I was up at 5 every morning, and by 2 I'd waited on about 200 people. Then I went home and chased two toddlers all by myself for the rest of the day. I was never up past 9 at night, ever.
Now I stay at home with my kids and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can not sleep. I can not sleep right now and my boys can get up and make their own breakfast, and my daughter sleeps until 1030 every day anyway, so my body knows it's going to get it's sleep in eventually. But I don't want it then...I want it now, while my eyeballs have bricks in them. I try; I lay there every night while my head spins. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, I just can't fall asleep. I think that maybe I'll get up an have a cigarette but I don't really want one. I fact, I don't think I ever want another one again. It's a digusting habit, and I'm totally quitting as of now. It doesn't matter at all that I have quit smoking every single night for the past 2,000 nights or so. I think about all the other things I could be doing, like the laundry, which involves way more thought power than I am capable of expending at 1:30 in the morning, or going to the gym, which is open 24 hours and would totally wear me out, but it is all the way (2 minutes) over there (from my house) and I'd have to dig my gym clothes out of the laundry piles, which ugh, and then the whole thing turns into a blog post and I don't have a blog post for tomorrow and I can type one with one eye open except that one eye burns because I am beyond exhausted.
And there doesn't seem to be a way for me to get sleeping pills to help this, because I'm totally too afraid to ask a doctor for sleeping pills because he'll think I'm a drug-seeker. If he thinks I'm a drug seeker, there's no way he's going to give me the other prescriptions I need. If I can't get the other prescriptions I need, I will go stark-raving mad and the demons will start poking my eyeballs out in the middle of the night again and I will never sleep.
And so I get up and I type. And eat some chocolate cake. I think should have just had a smoke and gone to the gym.
Reader Comments (59)
silly mrlady. sleep drugs are good. you're in the states now.. you can get ambien and such over the counter...does that work?
i'm rockin the trazadone these days to knock me out.
xo
If the thunder don't getcha then the lightning will?
Sympathy. I don't have the kids, but I *totally* have the OMG I could be doing other things with this time. ;p
Good lord, I think you are inside my brain.
Or spying on me.
Because this? This is going on up in this bitch too.
I'm too afraid to ask my doc for the pills because I'm afraid I will just take them inappropriately.
I'm really tired of being tired.
Get some damn Ambien. I think it's a rule now that to be a good blogger, you have to be on some kind of meds. Seriously, more sleep might make you feel better all around. This is coming from the person who worked till 3am and slept most of the day.
True story: when NATO was bombing Yugoslavia in 1999 I did not sleep for two months for more than two hours a night (and often less than that).
I tried tiring myself out with exercise, I tried smoking and drinking myself into oblivion and nothing worked because I could not get my brain to stop. I could not get the thoughts to stop.
By the end of the first month I was becoming genuinely stark raving mad.
So, I invented a system, the only thing I have found effective in turning my brain off and allowing my mind a chance to reboot itself before I had a nervous breakdown.
I thought up a sequence of colours - it doesn't matter what they are as long as the sequence you decide on is always the same. You think of one colour (e.g. orange) and you have to keep the thought of that colour and only that in your mind. If you get any other thought at all, you see the thought filling in with orange, like you're colouring it out. Then when you find that you can hold orange in your mind without thinking of anything else, then you move on to the next colour, yellow. And if you start thinking of anything but yellow, colour it in and go back to the beginning of the sequence.
This takes A LOT of focus and practice, but that was the charm for me because if I was going to be NOT SLEEPING so many bloody hours I had nothing but time. It worked like a charm then, and it has served me well over the years.
Anyway. I hear you on the Not Sleeping and how stressful it can be and I hope you find some way of working it out.
I am incidentally one on whom sleep drugs did not work. When I overcame my paranoia sufficiently to find a medical professional with prescripting powers who was sympathetic to my symptoms, I found that doses of drugs large enough to shut down my thoughts would also leave me incapacitated and even though I would sleep I never actually woke up refreshed.
On the other hand, for those who found drugs that work more power to them.
I could have written this. Word for word.
I am the worlds worst insomniac. I can't sleep and when I do, I sleep badly. Last night was awful. The two night's before that? I slept like a freaking teenager (not a baby, we all know they don't sleep.), of course, I had some help with it though.
: If The Paranoia Doesn't Destroy Me, The Insomnia Sure Will http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/01/25/insomnia/
In general I have no problems sleeping. Now I do dream like James Cameron is the director of my dreams, all technicolor and bad scripting, so I don't necessarily wake up all refreshed and bushy tailed. I have yet to figure out how to turn THAT part of my brain off. I say try the Ambien, but with caution. You better have The Donor on alert for weird behavior like sleep eating or sleep driving, just in case you are one of those people.
ok, if you're not down with asking the doc for meds (sleeping or otherwise) then in order to get some zzz's, i would recommend melatonin. it's an all natural sleep aid, in pill form, 3 mg and is supposed to help get you back on track with sleeping.
side note: it doesn't do shit for me, but i ask my doc for pills.
luck!
Melatonin works for me and my kids. It's not a sleeping pill. It helps regulate your sleep/wake rthym. It makes it easier to fall asleep. You have to use it for a couple of weeks before you see how well it works for you. Walgreens has a 5mg strength version. It's in the vitamin aisle. It helped with my insomnia.
Melatonin works for me and I have a 20+ year habit of not sleeping well. Definitely don't quit smoking if you can't sleep (well, at least until you can sleep again, because yeah, it is a disgusting habit, and yeah, I still miss it very much) because that will only make it worse! Benadryl is an old favorite too.
I do the colors trick, only an easier version. Lie really still and focus on your toes. Make them so still and quiet that you can't feel them. They should be so totally relaxed that you can't even feel the blankets lying on them. It takes a little time. Then move up to your ankles. And so on. Like the poem "I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor," except there's no snake. I never even get to my hips before I'm asleep. It only works if you focus your mind on relaxing your body and don't think of anything else.
I know what you mean about asking the doctor for sleeping pills.
I've had to ask him many times because the Viagra makes it almost impossible to sleep with a raging boner.
And I can't have him stopping THAT prescription.
I am one of those weird people who can sleep almost any time the notion strikes me. I was just born that way, I guess. I live with an insomniac, though. One who won't take pills because he just won't. Not even a tylenol pm. So, although I can't say I've been there, I can say that I have all the sympathy in the world. Get a nap, sweetie.
Weird. I NEVER have sleep problems. But last night? I got probably 40 minutes total. I just could not sleep. When I did fall asleep, the alarm went off for me to go work out. I shut it off. Just got up and read this. Can you catch insomnia through social media?
Although we don't have kids, my husband and I have weird sleeping issues of our own. I am one of those "if I don't get to sleep the minute I get tired, then I get over it" kind of people. I need to get to bed early in the evening when I first feel sleepy, or I will be up all hours of the night. My husband on the other hand, has no trouble falling asleep at night, but has the early waking problem. So basically, by the time I fall asleep at night, he is about to wake up. Makes for great times, let me tell you.
Oh that glorious dream of sleep. How I wish I could catch it.
Sigh
I feel your pain. And yeah, I'm used to that look they give the 'pill seeker.' I have an unusually high tolerance for pain killers. No really, skip the Loritab, it's not going to help.
I'd say melatonin is worth a shot. GNC has several different brands/options, but you can get it at CVS or Walgreens. Knocks ya out, and no sleeping pill hangover. The doc recommended it for my autistic/ADHD son and it worked like magic, so I tried it (yanno, to see what it made him feel like) and it was GRRREAT.
I have insomnia too. I use valerian tea, sometimes melatonin. I've also used Tylenol PM. When I'm really, really desperate, I use Lunesta, but it leaves a horrible aftertaste in my mouth the next day so I do it rarely. Good luck finding something that works!
@~ifer - my husband and I are the EXACT same way. I get sleepy early on, if I don't go to bed right away, I'm up all night. My husband, on the other hand, can fall asleep in less than 10 seconds. I'm so jealous of that ability >_<
I know, it's a little extreme, but I have hatred in my heart for your mother. There's a bright side: you don't have to hate your mom because I'll do it for you!
i have to get real tired to hit the bed. like 2 a.m. so i watch movies or do online stuff till my eyes can't take it no more.
i refuse to take pills. once i hit the pillows, if it's real late, i do sleep and then keep on sleeping till the snooze button gets up and hits me back!
Posting and chocolate cake was the better decision. But you are still precisely in the same place. Call out to someone to help you move either the rock or squeeze past the hard place.
I think maybe the trick might be to find a gym you can smoke in. Like a Golds or something. You know, in the free weight room down in the basement.
TYLENOL PM works like a dream! No demons in the eyeballs.
I know you're not looking for assvice, but when I wasn't nursing melatonin and any half-assed excuse for excercise helped. A good orgasm right before trying to sleep can help too.
But I hear you. Mine comes and goes in phases. I'm in a can't fall asleep phase again right now and it's affecting my moods and work and ability to cope with S coming into my bed every morning at 6:45.
I feel for you, lady.
Yes! Me too! RT @mrlady: : If The Paranoia Doesn't Destroy Me, The Insomnia Sure Will http://bit.ly/6nAmjy
[...] the article here: Whiskey in My Sippy Cup : Surviving Parenting. Kinda. » If The … Tagged as: all-natural, asking-the-doc, back-on-track, did-fall, for-meds, get-some, help-get, [...]
I would recommend asking about trazadone. It's not actually a sleeping pill, it's an antidepressant (which you can take along with other daily ones if necessary). It's nonaddictive, and for me it just turns my brain off. No more thinking about every single thing i need to do in the next week while not being able to calm down and sleep. It's really delicious.
@nic @mybottlesup, I give my son the liquid melatonin...I've used it too (I also used the pills that didn't work) and the liquid works really well. Better than any sleep med that I've ever used.
isn't nicotine an upper? Canceling out the ability to fall asleep. I hate smoking, so quit already. Makes you smelly.
If you go the pill route, I can tell you (after much research for myself) that Ativan, vs. Valium, is the better benzo. side effects, addiction potential, withdrawl effects. All better with Ativan, than Valium.
If you request the 2 mg. version, then you actually get 4 (or even 6!) doses, since it's scored down the middle, and you can start off with breaking it in half, and then half again for the .5mg dose, although I started off with breaking even the .5 mg dose in half (what's that.25mg?) to see if i could get away with the lowest possible dose for effectiveness. Also cost-effectiveness. Because---you don't want the generic, because you want to take this pill under your tongue, not swallowing down the gullet. Most effective route is under the tongue (also called the sublingual method) per my pharmacist.
And, brand of this medication, vs. generic, is best for under the tongue due to the fillers that the generic version is cut with. Geez, don't I sound all drug dealer-ish? ha. If I want my drug(s) to work, then I will pay more. And brand version of Ativan is pricey, but worth anything if I can sleep better.
I'm not a doctor (but boy, I was a rockin' nurse back in the day) so don't take this with water. Or, at all, if you don't believe me, but I"m just saying, benedryl (the "P.M." part of Tylenol PM) gives a wicked morning hangover, and melatonin made me feel worse the next day than benedryl ever did.
If you can get a doc to prescribe the Ativan in the higher dose version, then you save money if you can split/score the pill to smaller dose, just don't say it out loud, I think the medical profession doesn't like it when you say why you want to save money. but the insurance companies do! Sucky American insurance.
Know what disgusting? A fat, cigarette stenchy, bologna smelling, young woman with baggy eyes headed for the Pink Flamingos Dead Ringer Look Alike contest sporting tattoos, a truckers tan from smoking outside and sweaty fat cracks. No amount of A/C can fix that. THAT is really freaking hurl beats all over somebody's clean new white shirt kind of disgusting. Really, I’m glad you’re not like that.
Can't> http://j.mp/6UJjgm Whiskey in My Sippy Cup : Surviving Parenting. Kinda. » If The ...
Yeah, I have to think until all of the thoughts are thunk and then, I'm nodding off, myoclonically jerking myself awake again. Most nights I'm up until 4am, and most mornings, Zoë drags my eyes awake before 10, but that's a good day.
Exercise, diet, quitting smoking, quitting caffeine, blah blah blah. I don't know what works or to say except to suggest going the canine route: slather a trazodone in some peanut butter and by the time you've removed all of the nut-stink from your fingers, you might be knocked out.
Or, you know, you could just start drinking.
I once went went two weeks where I was only able to sleep approximately two hours a night. By the end of that time I was ready to go into the hospital. My doctor put me on trazodone which is knocked me out right away. Mixed with my other anti-depressant it did wonders from my anxiety disorder too. Then I decided to have another baby and I cut back on the meds. No more trazodone and now I don't sleep very well at all.
As a longtime insomniac, I've tried just about every kind of sleep drug out there. Seriously. And I would say be very, very careful about sleeping pills--particularly Lunesta and Ambien (but ESPECIALLY the former). Both have a nasty propensity to cause depression, memory-loss and a whole host of other problems. As a bonus there are suspicions that Lunesta may even cause cancer as well.
The claim that they are not habit-forming is, as you might imagine, a complete joke. If anyone's interested I wrote a little about it here: http://www.slolane.org/2009/03/28/i-was-going-to-listen-to-prozac-but-i-found-some-earplugs/ (you'll have to skip the whining about my job at the beginning)
Melatonin *may* work if you have occasional sleep problems. It rarely worked for me and it often just made me extremely nauseous the next day (think real bad morning sickness--not fun), so unfortunately it is not an option for me. Benzos have some of the same problems as sleeping pills. Very habit-forming and if you are prone to depression they're a bad idea. For true chronic insomnia you would be way better off with something like Benadryl or a light AD like mirtazapine or trazodone.
Sleeping pills = bad news!
@colleen, Ambien isn't OTC. The only thing available as a sleep aid in the US is diphenhydramine, which is the active ingredient of Benadryl. You can also find melatonin in some stores, but because it's a natural supplement it's not FDA approved.
The last time I had sleep issues my MD gave me a script for a week's worth of Lunesta because the theory is that some insomnia is caused because your body is off of a set sleep schedule, and supposedly a week or two worth of regular sleep works wonders.
It didn't help for me, and I just went right back to taking a bunch of benadryl again, but your mileage may vary.
roo uses melatonin to counteract the sleepless effects of ADD meds.
great, huh? better living through chemistry?
Writting helps when I can't sleep...there's something about putting all the crap that's swimming round in there down out of my head.
I take tylenol pm, sometimes, I just can't help but fall asleep.
My moms a witch too!!
oh, and here's a big hug!
I too miss sleeping a good nights sleep. and pills make me too groggy the next day. If you find the solution... let me know.
Whiskey doesnt help huh?
I have suffered with insomnia since college (I'm now freakin 50). Ambien or other prescription drugs help to break the cycle of insomnia. They are, unfortunately, very addictive (meaning you want another hit of that great night of sleep). My 90 year old mother is very addicted to Ambien. My brother's and I say "what difference" at this point. I think the over the counter Tylenol PM and others leave you with a "hang over" the entire next day. I feel better not sleeping then how you feel the next day after the OTC drugs. Another thing that works, at least for me, is a muscle relaxant like flexerill . It does not have all the crazy side affect of Ambien. I'm a migraine sufferer. I kept waking up at 3am with a migraine. This has been life changing for my sleep and migraines.
I know that you're not asking for advice, but I teach sleep hygiene (sounds gross, doesn't it?) to women coming off of a lot of medications and street drugs. Send me an e-mail if you're interested. Otherwise, good luck. Being tired sucks. Being tired and pissed off at yourself sucks worse.
You should try a electronic cigarette.
You know what I do? I make up fantasies in my head (not THOSE kind, don't be lewd)... just like how I want to build a chicken coop so that I can have fresh eggs and what I should do to the building that is standing in my property to convert it.... you get the idea. Because once I start to allow myself to worry, to stress out... meal plans and work plans and Things Not Accomplished. Those are MY demons, anyway.
I hope for your peace of mind...
xo
b.
I NEVER had trouble sleeping, NEVER, until about 6 months ago. Then I started seeing 2:00AM way more times than I was comfortable with. When I finally got over myself and talked to my doctor about it at my annual "will I live another year" exam, he told me that sleep changes were common in the beginning stages of menopause. I thought I would smack him for that.
I too am afraid to ask for Ambien (BEST DRUG EVER) so I make my husband do it. That way, he looks like the neurotic drug addict who can't sleep. Problem solved! Good luck.
x,
Paula
www.adhocmom.com
Diphenhydramine (Unisom gelcaps) or Promethazine (over the counter pretty much anywhere but the US). Please use.
As a ten year old I remember laying there for three hours every single night, before I'd eventually fall asleep. Every year my report card would say, Issa is grouchy in the mornings. Hai, I NEVER SLEPT. Ahem.
I'm just a horrible sleeper. If I can fall asleep, I can generally stay asleep okay. It's the falling asleep that sucks. The longer I'm awake, the worse it gets, because by then I'm day dreaming, making lists, over thinking every possible thing I've done and said all day. Things that aren't going to make me fall asleep.
Last year, I went in and talked to my doctor. After literally years of wishing I could. I'd watch the Lunista commercials and think, oh if only I had that. A year of Trazadone at night and I don't know that I could go back. However, now I'm afraid to go in and say it's starting to not work as well, can we up it. Basically? I think you should try and go in. Just tell them what you said here, minus the um drug seeker part. I think they are more used to it than we think.
don't mix melatonin with anti-depressants without a doctor's guidance. melatonin can mess with the efficacy of them.
I get Ambien from my prescribing psych-doc because she understands that if you cannot sleep, you can't be mentally well. I hope you have/find a doctor who is as understanding.