Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Little Sisters

I am the second child in my family; the first was a boy. Of course, that means I think all families should lead off with a boy, then follow up with the girl. It's the natural order of things, as I've seen it.

It's nice having a girl second instead of first because the house is full of legos, so they're instantly the cool toy, which means I'm stepping on plastic flesh-shredding landmines for 10 extra years.  When I take her to get a video game, I offer Backyardigans and she picks Phineas and Ferb, which is great because I don't have to listen to yetti-yetti-YETTI! all day long, but Phineas and Ferb is targeted at 8 year old boys, who can read, so instead of her playing Nintendo dress up with penguins and mounties and shit while I nap work, I'm making Ferb dig through nasty old trash piles to find nails to fix a fence that has nothing behind it. Seriously, rip-off. And instead of having a bazillion naked, decapitated Barbies in her bed, I tuck the kid in every night with Crystal King, because he's her baby, and then have to use tweezers try pry most of his body parts out of her flesh in the morning.

I'm beginning to think I may have done this backwards.

But she gets two big brothers, and that makes it worth it. They love her and protect her. They guide her. They help her. They teach her how to do important things like throw and catch a ball, text message, pee standing up, swear in context and have peanut envy.

When it was just me and the boys, the issue of genitalia really never came up because duh, everyone has the same junk. I was diligent about never letting them see me naked, so they only had their father to reference. If dad has it and they have it, everyone has it, right? Now, with the girl, she knows there's a division of goods here. And that child wants a peanut. She wants to be like her brothers. She has a peanut in her coochie, dammit. I've long since given up arguing this with her. Fine, have your peanut. We'll deal with this later.

Later has come.

She was a chipmunk the other day, because she's always something, and she walked right up to me and said, "Momma, I a chipmunk!" and I said super! She said, "Yeah, but I don't wick nuts" and dumbshit me assumed she meant walnuts or chestnuts but she clarified went she bent her little self over in half and said, "See? I can't wick my nuts."

I have absolutely no response to that.

I picked her up from school today and said, "Whuudup, yo?" as she got in the car. Her 12th grade buddy said, "Oh, that's where she gets it." It being what, exactly? "Oh you know, the way she talks. She's always 'awesome this' and 'wicked that'. It's pretty grown up talk for a preschooler." Yeah, just you wait. She has two big brothers. You ain't see nothing yet.