;)
Friday
Dec172010
Christmas Cards Make Everything Shit
Friday, December 17, 2010 at 12:28AM
I find myself as of late completely unable to do most of the things I've always done with effortless efficiency. Like, cook, or write, or take a picture.
It's like one day I woke up and couldn't walk. This has happened before. One day, 18 years ago, I woke up and I couldn't play the piano anymore, and I'd been playing the piano for about 10 years previous, daily. I loved playing the piano, I taught myself and was hideous to watch but delightful to hear, and I just realized that playing the piano is exactly like having sex and funny, because I woke up one day eight weeks ago unable to do that either and oh my god fuck my life.
But the weird thing was that one day I could do it, and the next day I just couldn't. I couldn't read the notes, my fingers couldn't find the keys, the peddles made no sense to me. It was selective amnesia and the part that was selected was the Theme to the Incredible Hulk sheet music. Maybe the world is better off for it, I don't know.
Lately, everything I've cooked has come out all kinds of wrong, and I've blamed the change in altitude and stocked up on Hamburger Helper just in case. And then my camera broke one day, but it didn't break in the traditional way, it broke in the I fucking hate you, motherfucker kind of way that means it actually works perfectly fine, I am just incapable of operating it anymore. Of course, I thought the settings were all jacked up and happily blamed it on that and swtiched my my phone's camera until my brother could come save the day with his amazing skillz of a hacker but oh no, he tells me it's me. 35 years, eight months and 27 days he's known me, and he still thinks it's smart to tell me things like, "It's you, Shannon; you fucked it" like I'd put clip art on it or something.
But it's me, Shannon. I have a brain full of clip art. It's shit and I can't take a damn picture to save my life right now. This is only inconvenient in that it's Christmas-time and if I don't send my inlaws a picture of my children, whom they haven't seen in, oh, years, they will team up to make my life more miserable. So I finally found one night when no one was getting grounded for the next five weeks and no one was biting all the other someones and no one was painting his toenails black and listening to Distingration on loop and I bribed them with treats to put some goop in their hair and stand almost touching each other for a few minutes.
Of course, it didn't work out so well for me, because, yeah. I can't take pictures anymore.
This one would have been really awesome if I'd only remembered how to focus on something. Anything. One thing.
And then this one was pretty awesome with the utter disdain on the face of 1/5th of my family. If only everyone mirrored it. And I'd had the right lighting.
I love this one. I love it so much I want to kiss it. She just decided we needed to pray half-way through, which is only funny because I don't exactly so much believe in god and she's seen me pray exactly never times. But, yeah, completely unsalvageable. Which, #@*%.
And this one would have been precisely what I was going for. All I had to do was make some really awful joke about myself, throw in one of the more colorful words my kids wish they could say without gnawing on a whole bar of Ivory after, and voila! Shiny happy children! Giggles and laughter! And no ones chonies were showing! It was made of WIN except it's complete shit and I can't use it.
But I have to use something. So you get to vote for one of these two:
I know they're not fantastic, but have you ever tried to get a five year old girl to do anything twice? These are what I'm stuck with. Which one sucks less?
It's like one day I woke up and couldn't walk. This has happened before. One day, 18 years ago, I woke up and I couldn't play the piano anymore, and I'd been playing the piano for about 10 years previous, daily. I loved playing the piano, I taught myself and was hideous to watch but delightful to hear, and I just realized that playing the piano is exactly like having sex and funny, because I woke up one day eight weeks ago unable to do that either and oh my god fuck my life.
But the weird thing was that one day I could do it, and the next day I just couldn't. I couldn't read the notes, my fingers couldn't find the keys, the peddles made no sense to me. It was selective amnesia and the part that was selected was the Theme to the Incredible Hulk sheet music. Maybe the world is better off for it, I don't know.
Lately, everything I've cooked has come out all kinds of wrong, and I've blamed the change in altitude and stocked up on Hamburger Helper just in case. And then my camera broke one day, but it didn't break in the traditional way, it broke in the I fucking hate you, motherfucker kind of way that means it actually works perfectly fine, I am just incapable of operating it anymore. Of course, I thought the settings were all jacked up and happily blamed it on that and swtiched my my phone's camera until my brother could come save the day with his amazing skillz of a hacker but oh no, he tells me it's me. 35 years, eight months and 27 days he's known me, and he still thinks it's smart to tell me things like, "It's you, Shannon; you fucked it" like I'd put clip art on it or something.
But it's me, Shannon. I have a brain full of clip art. It's shit and I can't take a damn picture to save my life right now. This is only inconvenient in that it's Christmas-time and if I don't send my inlaws a picture of my children, whom they haven't seen in, oh, years, they will team up to make my life more miserable. So I finally found one night when no one was getting grounded for the next five weeks and no one was biting all the other someones and no one was painting his toenails black and listening to Distingration on loop and I bribed them with treats to put some goop in their hair and stand almost touching each other for a few minutes.
Of course, it didn't work out so well for me, because, yeah. I can't take pictures anymore.
This one would have been really awesome if I'd only remembered how to focus on something. Anything. One thing.
And then this one was pretty awesome with the utter disdain on the face of 1/5th of my family. If only everyone mirrored it. And I'd had the right lighting.
I love this one. I love it so much I want to kiss it. She just decided we needed to pray half-way through, which is only funny because I don't exactly so much believe in god and she's seen me pray exactly never times. But, yeah, completely unsalvageable. Which, #@*%.
And this one would have been precisely what I was going for. All I had to do was make some really awful joke about myself, throw in one of the more colorful words my kids wish they could say without gnawing on a whole bar of Ivory after, and voila! Shiny happy children! Giggles and laughter! And no ones chonies were showing! It was made of WIN except it's complete shit and I can't use it.
But I have to use something. So you get to vote for one of these two:
I know they're not fantastic, but have you ever tried to get a five year old girl to do anything twice? These are what I'm stuck with. Which one sucks less?
Reader Comments (43)
I totally get what you mean about not being able to do things! Since I got preggo (about 19 weeks ago) I have lost my ability to cook anything that isn't from a box and sometimes I can't even do that! I've also lost my ability to remember things and crochet and scrapbook. It's weird and bothersome. Anyway, I like the 2nd one I think but the 1st one has a very nice relaxed, comfortable, and fun feel. =]
I would totally go for #2.
Although in #1, it totally looks like she's looking at her brothers with eyes of admiration... or something equally poetic.
#2 is absolute Christmas card material. There is nothing in the world wrong with it.
And don't worry, all.... let me make this perfectly clear.. ALL of the photos I take of my children look like absolute shit.
They see the camera coming, and don't just make funny faces, but one eye open, one eye closed "are your children drunk?" type messed up faces. I'll show you sometime... it's terrible.
I like them both, but I really like the light in the first one. The white. I'm a freak like that.
But the second one is cool with the blurry edges, too.
Do I have to pick one?!? Fine, I choose #1.
P.S. - you make some pretty humans.
#2.
And your bloggy blog looks wicked fresh. I like.
I like the second one. The gerbil is missing from the picture, though.
I'm glad to see that you managed to get ornaments on your tree. See, that is something that you can do successfully!
I still gotta go for the judging dogs and itty bitty. Because let's be honest isn't that what the holidays are all about?
#2 totally kicks ass! How can that not be the cutest Christmas photo ever?
Two. Hands down.
I like #1. I think #2 looks contrived, what with the praying angelicness. Your in-laws know those kids are half-you, after all.
Also? Holy eff, 2 of 3 grew.
OMG I LOVE THEM BOTH!! So, I am no help. Also, Penny Lane is an exceptional model.
Also also, looks to me like you haven't forgotten how to write.
XOXO
Christmas Cards make everything shit: http://bit.ly/dE2RMm
I would go with number two.
I have had spells of crap-from-the-camera, which you can imagine is total shittiness since my starting peak is your lowest of lows.
Hope you get your mojo back soon.
First one. I'm all about the dogs. :)
The first one looks more real, I also like the color better. But if you want more "Christmas Card" the second one is that.
So the first one is my pick.
Also can I just say even your crap from the camera is still good crap ;-)
Ok so the last one before the 2 we get to pick from I think is pretty good. Not sure why it's complete shit.
Of the two to pick from though I like the second one.
The bottom one. And I've become unable to do things before, too. Including the piano. But then, I never loved it, so that wasn't much of a loss. Horseback riding I loved. Oh well. I mean, I didn't get hurt or anything, I just suddenly couldn't seem to hold my body in such a way as to not make the horse all kinds of anxious and pissy, and well, shit. I do miss writing fiction, but oh well. I'd blame the hysterectomy but I stopped being able to do all of those things long before that. The only thing that ever went away and came BACK is loving dogs, so that's good. I still think you're awesome.
I am partial to #1.
If you don't believe in a god, and if your children don't pray, then #2 looks contrived. Plus, #1 looks more real.
So, the real question is: which one would your in-laws prefer?
I like the one that looks like the dog is possessed. (The second one.)
@battynurse, I was thinking the same thing!! Why is that one so shitty? It looks like the best one of the bunch to me. But if I have to choose between the two choices (and I really don't wanna, but I will) I think #1 is priceless.
I like them both. I am no help, mostly because I really DO take crappy pictures AND no one in my family likes each other enough to stay in the room together for longer than 32 seconds, even with bribes.
See, in the second one I don't see 3/3 folding her hands prayerfully. I see her plotting evilly Mr. Burns style. "I'm a puppy! Excellent!"
Oops. Wasn't done with that thought yet....
....and 1/3 and 2/3 look like her dutiful minions! And the dogs, her hellhouds! But you know, in a Christmasy kind of way!
The praying one b/c that is too funny!
So the prayer one is it... brilliant.
It's not my fault you clip art' that camera.
Oh and I need to thank you for the Tran... she was funnier than... well... idk.
Love ya.
Number 2. It's not often that a hound of hell shares a frame with the Chosen One. Also, did you notice the symmetry in that picture? It's almost zen-like. Here's hoping you get your skillz back soon because I must see you play the theme from The Hulk before I die.
Loving #1.
Use number 2 but get rid of the darkness and fuzziness around the edges.
I'm voting for #1. Because the daughter and dog are looking at the son with equal awe.
The card will contain an assortment of these pathetic excuses for family christmas photos. http://bit.ly/dE2RMm
I like the one where 3of3 is praying. Plus, if you don't choose it then you'll go to hell.
I like them both, I can't decide. I take shitty pictures too...does that help?
I dig the first one, because unlike what someone else said (that she's looking at her brother in adoration), she's actually looking at him like he's completely full of sh*t. I like that in a girl, and I like amusing Christmas cards.
Totally the last one. I love the implied chaos
#2 all day long and twice on Christmas.
I forgot how to exercise but I'm currently excelling at eating and not being able to wear any of my clothes. Like at all. So, yeah, I feel your pain.
number 1, but both are VERY passable. im jealous of your ability even when you claim it has up and abandoned you.
I thought those "quest" and "velocity" questions were for real essays and then when I got that they were fill-ins I forgot for a second what the usual name rank and serial number-type information was I was supposed to put in there and I panicked, so I'm having the same kinds of issues holy LORD.
I like #1. This whole post made me remember how I instantly fell in love with your group of children within five minutes.
great pictures, thank you for sharing. beautiful kids. your home is sooo beautiful and festive. i wish i owned or even rented a place like that. i doubt i will, doesn't seem likely. so clean too, and to think you complained about your cleaning skills...happy holidays.
PS, i love the first one, that says realism like nothing else. the expressions are priceless. pictures should make you smile and not look terribly posed and that one makes me smile a lot.
The last photo was the best, in my opinion. What a little angel!! (I can just envisage your eyes rolling there)
have a great holiday season - I look forward to reading all about it
I think the last photo [#2] is absolutely fantastic!
They're all great (but if you took a look at any of the photos at my place, my opinion wouldn't necessarily count for much). But #2 is definitely the keeper. And reminds me that I need to get off my ass and take a Christmas pic of my own.
Gorgeous family, Shannon - when did they get so big?
Happy holidays to you and yours.
I just gave up and didn't send cards.
And spent the money on wine.
I love you sweetcheeks. MWAH.