;)
Thursday
May202010
There, Beneath The Blue Suburban Sky
Thursday, May 20, 2010 at 10:55AM
The thing with working from home is that I never get to stay home sick, and I never get to play hookie from the office. I don't get the 30 minute commute to listen to The Divinyls real loud and forget about life. I never get to 'leave it at the door', because I never leave the damn door. I never remember to take a lunch break because it's not like I'm going to get some Major Change of Scenery if I do. And then my boss calls me to ask about something and I am a flaming ball of bitch and he's all, "Did you take a lunch today?" and I'm all, "What's the fucking point, yo?" and he's all, "I'll call you back after your exorcism" and then my kids come home from school and I actually stop working then for a while to make them dinner and get their homework done but then I hear Outlook be all, "Bliiiiing! You've got mail!" and I try to ignore it, I really do, but once my kids are settled and happy and playing basketball or Wii - because they're smarter than I am and also, get to leave their day jobs - I go into the office to pick up the coffee mugs and gatorade bottles and I think about vacuuming but that damn Outlook is all, "Bliiiing! You're ignoring me!" and so I think, "Huh, I could just wrap up this one last thing while the kids are settled and then it's 9 at night and I'm dead smack in the middle of something I can't stop.
And then my husband comes home at midnight, walks in the office and says, "Why are you still *sniffsniff* ohmygod did you not take a lunch today?" and I'm all, "Look, I can stop whenever I want" and he's all, "But have you smelled yourself today?" and I'm all, "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM" and he's all, "Not one some deodorant can't cure" and then he makes me go to bed. And then I get up the next day and I am a flaming ball of banshee because the dishes aren't done and there is a crumb trail across the living room floor and I have started a dust mite breeding mill on my mantle but the kids rooms are clean and my husband has washed his laundry and everyone is very well rested and have all watched their respective favorite shows because they are selfish assholes who understand the concept of "downtime" but I have 8,382 editions of the Daily Show piled up in the DVR and I can't find a bra so I do what any reasonable person in my position would do...I go back to work.
Second verse, same as the first.
So, I bought a dog.
I didn't mean to buy a dog, I meant to buy a plant stand and some pants that will actually button around what used to qualify as a waistline. Because as awesome as it is to be able to say, "I am the Head of Communications for Random Nameless Business Solutions Corporation", sitting in an Ikea chair typing all day is not nearly as good a cardio workout as running 10 miles every night carrying trays full of very expensive crystal wine glasses was. That shit should be an Olympic sport, seriously.
My fingers, however, are totally beefcake.
But we went out to buy a plant stand and some fat pants and we passed the place where the wild things are and I had to look because someone had to go take a laser to his balls and now I can't have anymore babies so I project all my misplaced clock-ticking onto fuzzy little four legged creatures and while I was looking at the Chihuahuas, because god forbid you own anything but a Pit Bull or a Chihuahua in the great state of Texas, I saw it. Her. The one, lone beagle, looking at me and my husband with that, "Resistance Is Futile" look that only an 8 week puppy can give right before she p0wns you, or the Borg, just with more wires through your brain, and the next thing I know, I am taking lunches.
Because nothing says "it's time to take your lunch break" like an eight week old puppy's digestive system trying to adjust to a new diet on white carpet.
And nothing says, "I certainly made the right choice in keeping these 19 piercings out of the chin-to-hips zone" like 8 week old puppy teeth going for your forearm but missing, slightly to the left. And so we named her Penny Lane because she is in my ear and in my eye and also in my nipples and in the boys no-fly zones but that's honestly just because she's a midget-dwarf and they wear boxers, but her name goes pretty nicely in keeping with the theme we have going here, what with Jethro the frog and Tull the toad, who used to live in the causeway behind our house but now live with us in our yellow submarine. There's also Pedro the tree frog, but we're pretty sure he's a refugee from Arizona. Bygones.
And then my husband comes home at midnight, walks in the office and says, "Why are you still *sniffsniff* ohmygod did you not take a lunch today?" and I'm all, "Look, I can stop whenever I want" and he's all, "But have you smelled yourself today?" and I'm all, "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM" and he's all, "Not one some deodorant can't cure" and then he makes me go to bed. And then I get up the next day and I am a flaming ball of banshee because the dishes aren't done and there is a crumb trail across the living room floor and I have started a dust mite breeding mill on my mantle but the kids rooms are clean and my husband has washed his laundry and everyone is very well rested and have all watched their respective favorite shows because they are selfish assholes who understand the concept of "downtime" but I have 8,382 editions of the Daily Show piled up in the DVR and I can't find a bra so I do what any reasonable person in my position would do...I go back to work.
Second verse, same as the first.
So, I bought a dog.
I didn't mean to buy a dog, I meant to buy a plant stand and some pants that will actually button around what used to qualify as a waistline. Because as awesome as it is to be able to say, "I am the Head of Communications for Random Nameless Business Solutions Corporation", sitting in an Ikea chair typing all day is not nearly as good a cardio workout as running 10 miles every night carrying trays full of very expensive crystal wine glasses was. That shit should be an Olympic sport, seriously.
My fingers, however, are totally beefcake.
But we went out to buy a plant stand and some fat pants and we passed the place where the wild things are and I had to look because someone had to go take a laser to his balls and now I can't have anymore babies so I project all my misplaced clock-ticking onto fuzzy little four legged creatures and while I was looking at the Chihuahuas, because god forbid you own anything but a Pit Bull or a Chihuahua in the great state of Texas, I saw it. Her. The one, lone beagle, looking at me and my husband with that, "Resistance Is Futile" look that only an 8 week puppy can give right before she p0wns you, or the Borg, just with more wires through your brain, and the next thing I know, I am taking lunches.Because nothing says "it's time to take your lunch break" like an eight week old puppy's digestive system trying to adjust to a new diet on white carpet.
And nothing says, "I certainly made the right choice in keeping these 19 piercings out of the chin-to-hips zone" like 8 week old puppy teeth going for your forearm but missing, slightly to the left. And so we named her Penny Lane because she is in my ear and in my eye and also in my nipples and in the boys no-fly zones but that's honestly just because she's a midget-dwarf and they wear boxers, but her name goes pretty nicely in keeping with the theme we have going here, what with Jethro the frog and Tull the toad, who used to live in the causeway behind our house but now live with us in our yellow submarine. There's also Pedro the tree frog, but we're pretty sure he's a refugee from Arizona. Bygones.
Reader Comments (54)
Congrats! My aunts just got a seven week old standard poodle. Puppies are cute - but they sure do demand lunch breaks!
Now if only you can get that deodorant thing figured out... :o)
As a beagle owner myself, I can vouch for their unending cuteness. Let's just hope that YOURS doesn't develop that "I'm being stabbed" sort of howl, like mine has. Because if she does, you're really going to need to focus HARD on the cuteness, that's all I'm sayin'.
I was pretty much exactly where you are three years ago when I signed my first book contract, writing full-time (and I mean FULL time) to the point my husband forgot I existed. While at the same time expecting that the Elizabeth he'd married might suddenly turn into Martha Stewart, that all the house stuff would get done much more routinely than it had when I had a "real" job, because I was home, after all, the location of all the chores. Needless to say, the house became even more of a mess.
And now, just two months ago, we adopted a baby girl. Suddenly I'm only working at quarter-speed, getting pretty much nothing done to fulfill my latest contracts, but not caring anymore. And if the house was messy before? Now it's like the back corners of the New York subway system.
(What was the point of this comment? That my daughter is my beagle? No idea...Maybe I'm just trying to say yay for PRIORITIES.)
"Don't look a beagle in the eye!"
That's what Mr. Fox says anyhow.
That dog is so stinking cute. Can I come be your assistant and pet her for you?
I have a beagle. My unlce runs beagle rescue societies throughout the US and even use to raise and show beagles in Westminster.
They are good dogs. Keep in mind some key things about the breed though. They will eat themselves to death so be strict about once a day feedings. No table scraps either or they will get fat easily. Also, they must always be on a leash because they will run away. It's the nature of the breed to track so their noses carry them away from scent to scent before they realize they're lost. If the dog becomes too aggressive or vicious it may likely have a brain defect and should be seriously evaluated or put down. Seriously, aggression is not in any part of a beagle's genetic makeup.
Ok, enjoy your dog! I love my beagle!
Why, why do they always have to do this?!? My boxer not only does this, but also loves to stand or just step on that "area" grrr...
She is a cutie... one of my favorite memory triggers is puppy breath, better than a new car smell.
I was wondering all along how the title was going to come to tie into all of this. And we come full circle. Good work. "beefcake fingers" gave me the shivers.
Did you just tell me to kill my dog??? :)
I'm so going to have that song stuck in my head for the rest of the day! Beagles are the best family dogs!! Had one when the kids were little. Now the kids are big and I have a German Shepherd who only wants to play with Saint Bernards or Beagles at the dog park!
This clinches it; you are offically insane.
Given that we generally have similar days, I'm with you (mostly) up until the part when the remedy turned out to be a puppy. Ash sees this and I am royally screwed...ROYALLY SCREWED!
I put two posts on my blog in one week! I AM THE GREATEST BLOGGER ALIVE*. http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/05/20/puppy/ *not true
As a fellow work-at-home dog owner, I can say that you have made a wise purchase. Except for when the weather is crappy the little shnit has to go out for a walk. Or he scratches at the door to go in/out 387 times a day. Or starts drinking out of your coffee cup when you leave the room.
Yep. Good choice.
I have a set in stone, non negotiable agreement with myself that I will kidnap any beagle I see. I won't even allow myself to feel badly about it. I won't spend a single second thinking about owners and the kids of the owners and tears that might be shed because 'Lily was stolen'. They are that cute to me.
Working from home can take some time before you reach a good balance. And that's an adorable puppy. I'd pet the shit out of your puppy.
I was working at home when we got our puppy. Not a Beagle, though. Great Dane. Anyway, we ended up teaching her how to ring a bell to go outside because we'd both be working and she'd be putzing around the house and then there would be a puddle.
Beagles are so very cute. Especially puppies. Better than a plant stand, too.
And the comment about "don't let your beagle get fat" led, inexorably, to "wafer thin dinner mint?" and I giggled.
Does he do the howl yet? Puppies are at their cutest when their own loud sounds startle them!
We had a choice between a beagle and a Lab mix. We picked the Lab. Sigh. I miss that beagle.
The puppy is cute, but more importantly, when I send this last child off to school I seriously have to go back to waiting tables because you don't know what you've got until it's gone and gotten bigger and your husband tells you (a couple of days ago) to just go and buy some bigger shorts and stop complaining.
By god, that is one deeply cute little pup. Whom I am entirely sure will not add to your day-to-day stress whatsoever.
Also: are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Please schedule a lunchbreak/dogwalk into each day, lest I pull out my Powerpoint of Christ to compel you with.
Two things- I have a home office and I totally understand the frustration with not being able to leave it.
I also have a beagle, the big guy is 10 weeks told today.
I keep vowing not to get more pets. Then... well, shit.
He's a cutie pie. Congrats on your new addition. Did you put together a puppy registry?
Very cute!
ADORABLE!!!!
And I literally have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat during the day.
Mediocre my ass. This blog is fucking awesome.
We tried to kill our new puppy (http://wellreadhostess.com/?p=33) , and I don't even work from home (Hell, I barely work AT home).
No such luck.
I'm kidding. Screw you PETA people. It's called rhetoric!
That totally looks like I was using your comments to pimp my blog. I didn't mean for that to be the case.
T.A.C.K.Y.
My bad.
Not tacky. Appropriate and fitting. I whole heartedly approve.
I love the puppy. We got two chihuahu's recently. Love them, hate the mess. No one is home during the day and well, they are bad bad little ones.
The baby pied on my comforter while I was petting him. Dang it all. He got me with his tiny and rare little kisses.
Enjoy!
I have a 3 year old puppy who lives with my parents a LOT of the time now,
because he can run and play and jump and play in their BIG backyard, because I'm too lazy to walk him as much as he would like. I live on the 3rd floor, yo, it's hard work having a dog in an apartment, especially a 3rd floor apartment. And he really likes it over at the parents house.Your puppy, however, is cute and I love her name!!!
i can relate on a few levels with this post. i work from home once a week and if that day happens to fall on a monday it more than likely means i havent showered in a looooooooong time. i also have a new kitten, and although he's a lot less maintenance than a puppy, he still reminds me that it's not JUST me working from home anymore. which is good, because i rarely remember to feed myself when left on my own either.
good luck with the little stinker!
It works at first, the dog thing. Then after awhile you look at them and say, hey, I'm busy, go walk yourself. Then they lay there and stare at you for hours.
Or so i hear.
Wow, my first dog was named Penny. When working from home, Rule #1, don’t stand in the refrigerator door too long while taking a lunch break, you’ll get pneumonia. Cute puppy.
Also, a puppy is an excellent substitute for purchasing "fat pants." Best shape of my life was the first two years my dog's life. Dude! They need walks. And if you're walking, you might as well run and get it over with quicker. And the next thing you know, you're running four miles a day four days a week. Hello skinny jeans!
Also also, your first paragraph is the story of my life. Between the grading, prepping and email, teaching should basically count as a work-from-home job.
I love it, I love this. I love that you just do things. That puppy is beautiful. My kids want one and I can't, bc it's so much more work in an apt. plus, i can barely get them showered much less take care of a beautiful animal. Penny Lane is too too cute. I love the name. Awwww.
Have I mentioned lately that I love you? And that you need to come to Chicago, like now?
Congratulations on your new baby. I love her name! : )
I LOVE your puppy!!! I totally want one just like him, but one that doesn't poop or smell or lick or jump or need constant care.
I love that you went shopping for plants and got a dog.
I work from home just one day a week and I sometimes go the entire morning without moving from my place on the couch with my laptop and then have to force myself to get up at sometime to get some lunch and maybe pee.
We had a lemon and white beagle for 10 years, and he was as cute all grown up as he was at 10 weeks old. But you need to add another reason to your list of why you need to take breaks - to vacuum the fur up - no one ever told me how much beagles shed!
Awwwww!! Totally cute!
Sidenote: there were a mere twenty-one periods in that whole post, which is pretty damn epic if you ask me.
I HEART you and your run-on sentences.
I have two dogs. This last one...my 85 pound black lab puppy was a total heart-stealer. Then she started eating the other one's poop and now when she kisses me I have to rinse my mouth out. With bleach.
A puppy is a good thing.
You make me laugh...just wanted you to know.
mo
You pretty much summed up my work at home day, except I don't ship kids off to school. And we most certainly don't need a dog. And my husband is here all. day. long. so he usually reminds me about the time the kids are melting down, that there are people who need to eat in this house and would I please consider doing something about my starving toddlers.
That is the cutest puppy ever! And yes, a puppy will make you take a lunch break and a coffee break and a cigarette break and walk break and a just for the heck of it break. Get you'll get a lot of scenery changes. And hopefully those walks will help you feel better about your waistline too. The puppy was a great (and cute) idea!
Tick Tock indeed. Hubs says he's going to bring a dog home one day and beg forgiveness later. However. I'm supposed to be training for the 3 Day (I've been 'heading out for a walk' for the past two hours). As I'm the only one home all day, the dog walking would naturally fall to me. Two birds, one stone. I'll be thinking about this all day, guaranteed.
I think the only time a dog is a good idea is when it's the mom's idea. Enjoy the new addition to the family!
Awwww
Penny Lane is the cuteness. I would definitely make out with her.
Enjoy your lunches mama! xo
We're supposed to eat during the day?! Does this mean that I can stop remembering at dinner time, and wondering why I need a snack at 8, 10:30 and 2am?
Also, you know I would GLADLY move down there and take care of all of that housework AND make you lunch. Just get rid of the spiders and snakes.