;)
Tuesday
Jun082010
I Love Pigs, But I Still Hate Bacon
Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 11:40AM
My four year old is afraid of police. I have no idea how this happened.
Four year olds are supposed to think that everyone in the world is here simply to do their bidding. Firefighters and cops and teachers and rock stars are all here to facilitate heroic rescue wishes and frozen ice cream dreams. Or, if you're me, the Hulk. I was in l-o-v-e with the Hulk. I dreamed every night that he'd come into my room, steal me out my bedroom window, and bounce away with me into the night.
The first sheet music I ever learned to read was that Hulk theme music. I'm still partial to green. And short shorts. These things stay with you throughout your live.
So the fact that my kid is petrified of the police sort of wigs me out.
Every time we pass one on the street she screams, "Cops, momma!" which instantly makes me check my speed and double check that I have a seat beat on and try to remember when the last time I registered my car was because I actually have a good reason to be scared of cops - see: perfect driving record, and I'm keeping it, bitches. But her scream isn't a shiny happy four year old scream; it's a 'there are zombies and here I am with no brain protection' scream.
I try to explain to her that cops are here to protect her, but she always just cries and cries and tells me that cops are going to take her away from her famiwee and wock her in a cage. I try to explain to her that she's thinking about the Dharma Initiative, not the cops, but she won't hear it. Cops = cages = no more push pops. Her mind is made up.
But while we were in Phoenix, I got the whole story out of her. Maybe it was because she's gotten a little bit older and can now verbalize an entire thought process, or maybe because every street in the whole town of Gilbert, AZ was under construction and they have more cops in Gilbert making sure you don't exceed 25 mph on four lane major thoroughfares than they have Seminaries and Mormon temples, which is to say they have a lot. Either way, she explained to me that if you do bad fings, da cops take you away and wock you in cages, and so she doesn't wike cops.
And I said, "Oh, honey, they do that to protect you. They only take away the really bad people, and they do it so that little girls and boys can be safe" and she said, "But momma, sometimes I do wealwee bad fings" and then she burst into tears.
After I accepted my Mother of the Year award, I tried to explain to her that she doesn't do bad things, she does silly thing or makes mistakes, but that she's not bad, but she wasn't hearing it. And so we went on our merry way, dodging cops and missionaries and generally turning ourselves into jerky in the middle of the southwestern America desert until one day, when we had to make a u-turn.
It was one of those intersections where I knew that I could, technically, make a u-turn but it was completely under construction and guarded like Fort Knox and I was driving a loaner car from Chevy and my kid would have had a heart attack and die if I got pulled over, so I rolled down the window and yelled to the motorcycle cop eye-balling me. "Dude, can I make a u-turn here?" "Yup, as long as you do it safely." Because I look like the kind of person who plays chicken with oncoming suburban traffic, that's why.
But then he walked out into the middle of the intersection, halted the oncoming traffic even though I didn't so much as have a turn arrow, let alone the right of way, and waved me through my u-turn. And I turned to my daughter and said, "Did you SEE that? That cop helped us!" and she said, "Whaaa?" and watched him through her window. And then she said, "Oh, momma, dat cop is SO NICE! He wikes us! He's a good helper! I wuv cops, momma."
And I love them, too, but that story is for another day.
To be continued...
Four year olds are supposed to think that everyone in the world is here simply to do their bidding. Firefighters and cops and teachers and rock stars are all here to facilitate heroic rescue wishes and frozen ice cream dreams. Or, if you're me, the Hulk. I was in l-o-v-e with the Hulk. I dreamed every night that he'd come into my room, steal me out my bedroom window, and bounce away with me into the night.
The first sheet music I ever learned to read was that Hulk theme music. I'm still partial to green. And short shorts. These things stay with you throughout your live.
So the fact that my kid is petrified of the police sort of wigs me out.
Every time we pass one on the street she screams, "Cops, momma!" which instantly makes me check my speed and double check that I have a seat beat on and try to remember when the last time I registered my car was because I actually have a good reason to be scared of cops - see: perfect driving record, and I'm keeping it, bitches. But her scream isn't a shiny happy four year old scream; it's a 'there are zombies and here I am with no brain protection' scream.
I try to explain to her that cops are here to protect her, but she always just cries and cries and tells me that cops are going to take her away from her famiwee and wock her in a cage. I try to explain to her that she's thinking about the Dharma Initiative, not the cops, but she won't hear it. Cops = cages = no more push pops. Her mind is made up.
But while we were in Phoenix, I got the whole story out of her. Maybe it was because she's gotten a little bit older and can now verbalize an entire thought process, or maybe because every street in the whole town of Gilbert, AZ was under construction and they have more cops in Gilbert making sure you don't exceed 25 mph on four lane major thoroughfares than they have Seminaries and Mormon temples, which is to say they have a lot. Either way, she explained to me that if you do bad fings, da cops take you away and wock you in cages, and so she doesn't wike cops.
And I said, "Oh, honey, they do that to protect you. They only take away the really bad people, and they do it so that little girls and boys can be safe" and she said, "But momma, sometimes I do wealwee bad fings" and then she burst into tears.
After I accepted my Mother of the Year award, I tried to explain to her that she doesn't do bad things, she does silly thing or makes mistakes, but that she's not bad, but she wasn't hearing it. And so we went on our merry way, dodging cops and missionaries and generally turning ourselves into jerky in the middle of the southwestern America desert until one day, when we had to make a u-turn.
It was one of those intersections where I knew that I could, technically, make a u-turn but it was completely under construction and guarded like Fort Knox and I was driving a loaner car from Chevy and my kid would have had a heart attack and die if I got pulled over, so I rolled down the window and yelled to the motorcycle cop eye-balling me. "Dude, can I make a u-turn here?" "Yup, as long as you do it safely." Because I look like the kind of person who plays chicken with oncoming suburban traffic, that's why.
But then he walked out into the middle of the intersection, halted the oncoming traffic even though I didn't so much as have a turn arrow, let alone the right of way, and waved me through my u-turn. And I turned to my daughter and said, "Did you SEE that? That cop helped us!" and she said, "Whaaa?" and watched him through her window. And then she said, "Oh, momma, dat cop is SO NICE! He wikes us! He's a good helper! I wuv cops, momma."
And I love them, too, but that story is for another day.
To be continued...
Reader Comments (32)
So damn cute.
So appreciated the Dharma Initiative reference.
So all it took was one happy U-turn to change her mind? You have a very flexible young miss on your hands. Either that or calling the cop "Dude" landed him squarely in the Friends and Family category.
Very, very funny stuff.
Kids are so literal... love that the 'dude' cop was so accommodating. I wonder if he knows what a truly great thing he did that day.
I curse hollywood. As adorable as 3 of 3 is, when I picture her saying "I do wealwee bad fings" it scares me. #omen #thegoodson #ring
Oh, that's right. I have this blog thing. http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/06/08/roadtrip/
I hate the whole cop thing-because of course I tell them they are good and there to protect and all that, but then what happens when I get (ahem) pulled over for speeding? It's like Chernobyl in the back seat, seriously.
3of3 is so stinkin' cute I can hardly stand it. Can't wait to hear the rest of the story.
Love it. I'm teaching my boy that police and firemen are the good guys, and the ONLY strangers he's allowed to talk to... when I'm not around. So now he wants to start up a discussion with EVERY SINGLE ONE he sees. Even in the middle of a house burning to the ground. I said "no". I'm the bad guy. Go figure.
Okay, to go all hippy, this is the reason that I don't let Z say she or anyone else is bad, cuz I get so hyper-concerned that she'll see herself as a bad person, overall. Of course, I didn't presume cops being an issue as a result of this hypothetical, so much as how much money she might be able to make on the pole.
In summation, good job, you. You know you've totally ruined her future bachelorette party, though, right? It's always the bad ones that get the cops with tear-offs.
My son was terrified of cops when he was her age. I never did find out why, he just was. He was convinced they take you to jail and there are millers in jail (as in moths) and he would cry and cry if one happened by us. Never, ever did he give me a good explanation for it and he's now 10. He outgrew it but I would be lying if I told you I wasn't dying to know what the deal was!!
"But that story is for another day"...ooh, I can't WAIT!
Wow, great way to handle that one!
When you say the Hulk theme song, do you mean the piano the from the end of the show when Bill Bixby was hitching a ride? That would be awesome if so...
A push-up bra is a beautiful thing...
SK
When my youngest was 3, we passed a police officer while walked along the sidewalk, and he waited until he was well in hearing range before yelling, "Cop, Mom! RUN!!"
Walked past him after that was right up there in the 'where do I look because I can't look this man in the eye now' department.
My three year old is intimidated by police. We try to introduce her to them all the time - reinforce the whole "if you get lost, look for a badge" theory - but she just turns toward us and cringes. Maybe I need one to go out of their way to be awesome to me.
Good life lesson!
That cop is a good helper :-D
SO.CUTE.
Your 3 of 3 is so darn cute. I hate that she was scared of cops. I don't remember ever going through that phase with any of mine.
Speaking of which, I am dying to ask you a question pertaining to a "boy" issue. Since, yours are older and you are such a kick ass mom.--I can't seem to find an email address to send you said question.
I once loved a cop.
long time.
This is an awesome story. How good of you to come up with a way to show her by example how helpful cops can be. It's almost as if you planned that u-turn or something. Well played, mama, well played.
I'm only commenting so you forward me inspirational pictures of kittens and rainbows... but the story is awesome. I, in my mother of the year-ness, wouldn't have thought of pointing out how helpful the cop was. I've got sooooo much to learn.
Just wanted you to know that i have spent a whole day (read that right) reading. I am back to the middle of 2009. My dishes are not done (ok, bribed the four y/o to do them before Mr. Charming gets home), have done no laundry or hovered up the tones of crumbs on the floor. plan on blaming you when MC gets home. Blog Therapy. Keep writing, you are one of the best.
Sincerely,
The Cows
(or Detroit girl in Devon...you chose)
Great story - I'm assuming she's at least half-way cured of the bad cop syndrome now?
If not, you can always send her my way and I'll see what I can do. Between my firefighter husband and cop neighbor we oughta be able to work something out.
That dream you used to have about the Hulk? I had that dream about Michael Jackson. He was going to rescue me in his yellow sweater vest and sparkly glove. Hell yeah.
I love you and your relationship with your kids. Pure awesome sauce.
I wrote MJ a letter in the 4th grade, and he never replied. He was on my shit-list from then after.
In fact, when he died, that was my first thought. "Shit, now I'll NEVER get that response."
Also, thank you. Please tell them that. They think I am soooooo ridiculous.
Covers a MULTITUDE of sins, it's true.
Had you any doubt? I find your lack of faith disturbing.
D f-f-e-g-f-e-f....
The Poose loves cops. And firemen. And those guys at Wal-Mart that push the big empty carts around. And the garbagemen. He really loves them: "Thank you for taking our trash!" he calls from the porch in pjs at 7 am. The man honks and waves. (I'm sure the neighbors loved that, but garbage-men need appreciation too)
I too love cops. I married one. I work with them.
*In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? I <3 Monty Python.
Love the title on this one! When my niece was about 4 she would do something minor and fall into a hysterical fit that she was "a bad girl". Eventually that phase ended, but we never knew where it came from.
I'm with pre-u-turn, 3of3. Just sayin'.
That poor baby girl. Da cops gonna take her away? Not with you as her Momma, that's for sure. But you better milk that "bad fings" idea while it's open for discussion. What BAD FINGS was she talking about? Maybe she can get you the scoop on her own bad habits...
Awww, kiddo. Glad you had a good encounter to show her!
cute - really cute - we were coming through customs once and my husband had taken to telling my son (who was like 3 at the time) when he was not listening that he was going to call the police on him. Well, who is at the customs counter, a police man, who hear my husband say this. He simply states to my hubbie " You should never, ever, tell your child that because he may need help someday and who will he turn to? Not me, because you have made him afraid" Good point I said, since I'd been telling him that for months - but he finally listened when an actual officer told him! Now, he just tells our kids he taking them to the state and handing them over to foster care (he really says some stupid shit sometimes!-I blame his parents - hee hee)