;)
Tuesday
Jul132010
If I Don't Stop, I'll Go Blind.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 at 11:55PM
(The cop story's anti-climatic end.)
The problem with having no depth perception is that you spend the better part of your life with a mascara wand lodged firmly in your left retina.
The problem with being an idiot with no depth perception is that the cops keep calling your house.
See, the thing is, I have this habit of leaving things on the hood of my car. Things like Nathan Jr, things like three cell phones, consecutively. But not like hamsters and cookies, oh no. I have much more creative means of killing them off. Also, things like Gucci purses (yes, it was real and yes, it was fabulous) (was is the key word in that sentence fragment). Now that doesn't have too much to do with the fact that I can't see how deep onto the hood of the car I've left my kidnapped child, my yet again brand new uninsured phone or my designer purse that I will never be allowed to own, ever again. That just has to do with the fact that I'm really, really dumb.
Also, consistent. Bygones.
Also also, really fucking lucky.
Every time I've left my purse on the hood of my car, it's been pummeled beyond recognition, eventually pushed off to the side of the road, recovered by one of the five good people left on earth, and turned into the local police department. With everything in it. Well, except that one time that I found it before anyone else did and the answer, my friend, really does blow in the wind just like every last dollar I have to my name does. My debit card, however, just lays there and takes it like the little bitch it is.
You can totally use a smashed flat, tire-imprinted credit union debit card at all major retailers. See, you learned something today. You're welcome.
You cannot, however, use lost glasses anywhere if you never find them again. This is the second time I've lost them, and they're the second pair of glasses I've ever owned. That, friends, is called batting a thousand. You wish you were this awesome.
The first time I lost them, I was eight months into being an illegal alien and had no concept of how to use my new Canadian health insurance, so I waited months to get a new pair. This last time I lost them, I was eight months into being deported and had no concept of how to use my new American health insurance, so I've waited months to get a new pair.
Well, that and I left my damn wallet on the hood of my car again. With everything I own in it. Including my insurance cards.
But the good news is that there are 6 good people left in the world, and one of them lives somewhere in the middle of Godonlyknowswhere, Texas, and while watering his lawn one fine summer morning, what did he stumble across but a red wallet belonging to yours truly. And he turned it in. To the local police department. With everything in it. Including my insurance cards.
So the police department called my insurance company and my insurance company called me and I called the police department and now all I have to do is drive back up to Godonlyknowswhere, Texas, to claim my slightly soggy and totally recovered wallet.
Except that I can't see far enough in front of my face to drive to the grocery store, let alone the middle of Texas, and I can't get new glasses because my insurance card is in my wallet which I left on the hood of my car in the middle of the night in the middle of Texas. And my wallet is in the local police department which also happens to be the local prison and I'm pretty sure it's against several laws of both God and man to propel more than 1/2 ton of metal, without any measurable amount of vision, any further than you can drag it.
Which isn't very far. My gym card was in there, too.
The problem with having no depth perception is that you spend the better part of your life with a mascara wand lodged firmly in your left retina.
The problem with being an idiot with no depth perception is that the cops keep calling your house.
See, the thing is, I have this habit of leaving things on the hood of my car. Things like Nathan Jr, things like three cell phones, consecutively. But not like hamsters and cookies, oh no. I have much more creative means of killing them off. Also, things like Gucci purses (yes, it was real and yes, it was fabulous) (was is the key word in that sentence fragment). Now that doesn't have too much to do with the fact that I can't see how deep onto the hood of the car I've left my kidnapped child, my yet again brand new uninsured phone or my designer purse that I will never be allowed to own, ever again. That just has to do with the fact that I'm really, really dumb.
Also, consistent. Bygones.
Also also, really fucking lucky.
Every time I've left my purse on the hood of my car, it's been pummeled beyond recognition, eventually pushed off to the side of the road, recovered by one of the five good people left on earth, and turned into the local police department. With everything in it. Well, except that one time that I found it before anyone else did and the answer, my friend, really does blow in the wind just like every last dollar I have to my name does. My debit card, however, just lays there and takes it like the little bitch it is.
You can totally use a smashed flat, tire-imprinted credit union debit card at all major retailers. See, you learned something today. You're welcome.
You cannot, however, use lost glasses anywhere if you never find them again. This is the second time I've lost them, and they're the second pair of glasses I've ever owned. That, friends, is called batting a thousand. You wish you were this awesome.
The first time I lost them, I was eight months into being an illegal alien and had no concept of how to use my new Canadian health insurance, so I waited months to get a new pair. This last time I lost them, I was eight months into being deported and had no concept of how to use my new American health insurance, so I've waited months to get a new pair.
Well, that and I left my damn wallet on the hood of my car again. With everything I own in it. Including my insurance cards.
But the good news is that there are 6 good people left in the world, and one of them lives somewhere in the middle of Godonlyknowswhere, Texas, and while watering his lawn one fine summer morning, what did he stumble across but a red wallet belonging to yours truly. And he turned it in. To the local police department. With everything in it. Including my insurance cards.
So the police department called my insurance company and my insurance company called me and I called the police department and now all I have to do is drive back up to Godonlyknowswhere, Texas, to claim my slightly soggy and totally recovered wallet.
Except that I can't see far enough in front of my face to drive to the grocery store, let alone the middle of Texas, and I can't get new glasses because my insurance card is in my wallet which I left on the hood of my car in the middle of the night in the middle of Texas. And my wallet is in the local police department which also happens to be the local prison and I'm pretty sure it's against several laws of both God and man to propel more than 1/2 ton of metal, without any measurable amount of vision, any further than you can drag it.
Which isn't very far. My gym card was in there, too.
Reader Comments (20)
Oh geez, we are kindred spirits. I lose EVERYTHING. Then I completely freak out and start canceling everything. Then I find, and get pissed. Then I lose it again. Then I report it stolen. Then I find it. Try to being an OCD/ADD/Paranoid law enforcement employee one day. I lose my wallet and start freaking about identity theft rather than the crap in it. Because really, I never carry cash, let alone have cash...
{HUGS}
I'm getting you one of those granny chains (a cute one!) :D
Huh. You lose your glasses off of the top of your vehicle. I lose mine while they're on my fucking face.
Your version is so much more Thelma & Louise than mine.
I'm a little jealous.
I used to have these eyeglasses that were guaranteed to be unbreakable, which I think were Flexon Frames. For the video demo, a salesperson channeling the spirit of Billy Mays, drove a dump truck over them, and behold they did not break! The warranty said that if they ever broke you could bring them in and they would replace them, free of charge. Since I tend to break things, and we even had dump trucks (real ones) when I was a kid and it was likely that may actually happen, so Mom went with those. Kind of like the craftsman tools of eyeglasses (the same tools which we drove both a dump truck and a backhoe over; to their credit craftsman replaced the tools even after admitting that).
So what happened to my unbreakable eyeglasses?
During some "horseplay" on the school bus they went out the window never to be seen again. Mom was pissed and we spent three days retracing the bus route several times on foot to find them to no avail. That was the last expensive pair of frames I got for a long time. Until I bought my own pair of real Armani Frames - which were stolen at Woodstock 94. But that's another story all together.
Judith, I too have lost my glasses while on my face. Frantically looking all over for them, all the while not noticing I could SEE.
The worst part is that it took me 6 weeks to pull this piece of crap together and post it. http://bit.ly/cM8GtT
LOL
I'm so sorry. It sounds very much like something that would happen to me. But I don't wear glasses.
Oh no! Its a shame they can't fedex the wallet to you. Then all would be right with the world.
I need new glasses. Thanks for reminding me.
I may be getting you a fanny pack for your birthday. Not Gucci. Just in case.
Two words for you : Zenni Optical. Google 'em. I have a friend that has a pair to match every outfit in her closet!
You could keep a pair in your glove box, in your kitchen, in your bathroom, in your closet, in your car console, etc, etc, etc......
I'm sorry. Why do you put ANYTHING on the hood of your car? Maybe it is just my car, but it is not condusive to leaving things on it. At all. But that aside, you are seriously lucky you keep getting your stuff back, except the purse and the glasses of course.
Wish I had your good luck. I'll pass on the losing stuff karma, though. I have enough challenges.
First, I am impressed that you actually try to put mascara on. I gave up a long ass time ago. Second? The thought of loosing my glasses gives me a panic attack. My entire life, I was afraid that there would be an earthquake, mine would be smashed and I'd NEVER SEE AGAIN!!!! (Am slightly melo-dramatic.) (Am also blind as an effing bat.)
I have also left my wallet on the hood of my car. And one of those six people found it and called me and DROVE to where I was (on vacation) to give it to me. So I have more reasons to love and adore you. Kindred spirits and all.
I've done that only a few times, both times the things I forgot on the hood/roof were not mine. Big FAIL there.
I lost my depth perception in a 'little incident' last year and that is pretty much ALL I have lost.
Cause I am awesome and don't do shit like that.
Heh.
Not that I would admit openly anyway.
backpack purse. I've had mine for at least 10 years (not the same one, I have about 10, in different colors/leathers) and I will never go back to a regular purse! I've never place it on the top of my car and driven off, because it doesn't come off my back until I"m ready to climb in my car (big SUV, thus the climbing part).
Seriously, go with the backpack purse. Lots of pricey ones out there, but cheaper fabric types too. Google Libaire leather, in Berkeley. I know the owner, I go there in person, in fact, when I feel the need for a new color/style. Forgot the owners name, but he make quality goods, and the price isn't so bad.
I also 2nd the idea of a eyeglass chain for around your neck. Might elminate this type of "accident' altogether!
...and why do I need to read about this? I go through this EVERY DAY with the Little Woman. And, it is not cute, not is the slightest, in fact it is very difficult to love a woman that does these things, good thing for another kind of blowing in the wind thingie. That's the only thing that can keep my mind off the other thing.
I agree with the poster who suggested Zenni Optical. I constantly lose or jack up my glasses and go through about 3 pair a year. Totally cheap and have some really nice frames!
What is mascara anyway?
I wish my current glasses would do me some good anyway... I think I'm officially a senior (who needs to know how much cough syrup to dose my kindergartener, anyway?)... bifocals? Shudderrrr...
Haven'be been by in a long time and missing ya, Shannon.