;)
Saturday
Sep042010
And This Is How I Re-Entered the US Healthcare System
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 5:49PM
When I think of the 50's, I think of sock-bops and sunny skies. I think of homemade apple pies cooling in the window. I think of women who always wore dresses and looked fabulous in them. I think of men who called their wives Mrs and how endearing I find that concept. I think of slow moonlit drives, of breathing deep under apple trees, of living slowly and deliberately. What I don't think of is letting strange men shove metal duck bills up my chocha.
It's taken us over 10 months to brave the rough seas of the US healthcare system. We've had insurance, we've just been too scared to use it. The beauty of the Canadian health care system is how simple it is. You never, ever have to worry that you'll walk in to the doctor with a cold and walk out with a diagnosis that will bankrupt you for generations to come. It's easy to get used to that. It's hard to leave it.
But we left it and the kids need physicals for school sports and I need a bi-centennial check-up so we found doctors, booked appointments and went. The kids went first because I am too chicken to go first. They're my litmus test. If it goes well at their appointments, if I can remember how to fill out a tree's worth of paperwork for them, if I don't leave the office a blubbering mess of tears, then I can do it for myself, right?
And it went well at their appointment. Very well, actually. They found a doctor they like, they're in good health and I didn't have a heart attack at the check out desk. So I went for my checkup the next day.
I can't remember the last time I had an annual. I think it may have coincided with the last time someone decided to shove their shoulders out of my delicates. I also think that was the last time anyone saw me undressed in the light of day, and yet I marched into that OBGYN's office prepared to wear a robe that doesn't close, climb up on a table and let some strange man fumble around with me under florescent lights. I was brave, I was determined, and I was completely unprepared to be greeted by the cast of Grease.
Every single member of the staff was dressed in 1950's poodle-bop. I am not a person who is afflicted with too many phobias, but it turns out that having Sandy and Rizzo and Frenchie stick tiny scrub brushes up my coochie is one of them. I sat in the waiting room and realized that you could make a pretty good horror movie with some 1950's costumes and a set up stirrups. Think of how much more terrifying that scene from Se7en would have been if Kenickie had been sitting there under flickering, dirty lights, sobbing, brandishing a razory speculum.
*shudder*
Thank god in heaven that my doctor was dressed up as a doctor. I asked him what the deal was with the horned rimmed glasses and pick jackets everywhere, and he said that every Friday had a costumed theme to add some levity to the office. I told him it wasn't working. He told me he usually didn't work on Fridays, mostly because he completely agreed with me. We scheduled my follow-up appointment for a Tuesday.
I'm praying to god that Tuesdays are Rocky Horror day. Because that at least makes sense.
It's taken us over 10 months to brave the rough seas of the US healthcare system. We've had insurance, we've just been too scared to use it. The beauty of the Canadian health care system is how simple it is. You never, ever have to worry that you'll walk in to the doctor with a cold and walk out with a diagnosis that will bankrupt you for generations to come. It's easy to get used to that. It's hard to leave it.
But we left it and the kids need physicals for school sports and I need a bi-centennial check-up so we found doctors, booked appointments and went. The kids went first because I am too chicken to go first. They're my litmus test. If it goes well at their appointments, if I can remember how to fill out a tree's worth of paperwork for them, if I don't leave the office a blubbering mess of tears, then I can do it for myself, right?
And it went well at their appointment. Very well, actually. They found a doctor they like, they're in good health and I didn't have a heart attack at the check out desk. So I went for my checkup the next day.
I can't remember the last time I had an annual. I think it may have coincided with the last time someone decided to shove their shoulders out of my delicates. I also think that was the last time anyone saw me undressed in the light of day, and yet I marched into that OBGYN's office prepared to wear a robe that doesn't close, climb up on a table and let some strange man fumble around with me under florescent lights. I was brave, I was determined, and I was completely unprepared to be greeted by the cast of Grease.
Every single member of the staff was dressed in 1950's poodle-bop. I am not a person who is afflicted with too many phobias, but it turns out that having Sandy and Rizzo and Frenchie stick tiny scrub brushes up my coochie is one of them. I sat in the waiting room and realized that you could make a pretty good horror movie with some 1950's costumes and a set up stirrups. Think of how much more terrifying that scene from Se7en would have been if Kenickie had been sitting there under flickering, dirty lights, sobbing, brandishing a razory speculum.
*shudder*
Thank god in heaven that my doctor was dressed up as a doctor. I asked him what the deal was with the horned rimmed glasses and pick jackets everywhere, and he said that every Friday had a costumed theme to add some levity to the office. I told him it wasn't working. He told me he usually didn't work on Fridays, mostly because he completely agreed with me. We scheduled my follow-up appointment for a Tuesday.
I'm praying to god that Tuesdays are Rocky Horror day. Because that at least makes sense.
Reader Comments (28)
That's just creepy. Do they really think that will make the patients feel more comfortable, in what is already an uncomfortable situation?
Dammit, Janet, I LOVE YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!
There is no way to add levity to that kind of appointment. I don't care if they were dressed as Rainbow Bright or Gem or Care Bears... what? Care Bears would be weirder? I disagree... it's all messed up. That appointment is not fun and will never be fun. I have much respect for that doctor. Good choice. Had he come in dressed as Fonzi... I'd have headed to the nearest emergency exit.
HM
Ugh...you just reminded me my hoo-haw needs a check up. I go to women docs now, seems the older I get the more I feel better with someone who actually HAS a cooch telling me what's up with mine.
I'm sorry you were traumatized by costumed freaks at your exam. :)
That is sooooo wrong.
That reminds me, I'm due too.
Honestly I think that adding that kind of levity to a Doctor's office is not... quite appropriate.
Shamalama ding dong!
I am so proud to see your red stapler pic up there in the sidebar *wipes a tear
Ok that would freak me out as well. They do this every Friday??? WTF? Halloween I can see. Not every Friday.
Almost a month later, she remembers she has a blog. http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/09/04/greaselighteningindeed/
Another genius blog by @mrlady! http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/09/04/greaselighteningindeed/
RT @mrlady: Almost a month later, she remembers she has a blog. http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/09/04/greaselighteningindeed/
I agree, that is just uncalled for. Just plain old weird if you ask me. Hopefully they used greased lightening on that speculum.
Thank goodness this kind of thing doesn't happen at my visits. Any of them.
Particularly my shrink. I don't think I could have a serious discussion with her while she was looking like she fell out of the 50s.
Or worse, the 80s.
Costume day at the OBGYN? Holy yikes... I'm not sure which character I would want to scope things out down there. Do I go Fast and the Furious or something a little more laid back? It would give me something else to think about besides that wrenching sounds that pries your crotch wide open. *shudder* Yikes. I suppose Frenchie and Rizzo are as good Marsha and Jan Brady.
I have learned that some promotions are best left to restaurants and maid services.
If your doctor comes to your follow up dressed as ANYONE from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, you must take pictures.
Costumes are really way beyond creepy. I would walk out of my GYNOs office if I saw that.
Its funny because it didn't happen to me! I HATE that kind of Drs appointment. And I agree with Karin, we want pictures of a Rocky Horror Dr!
That just gave me the willies. If they want to lighten the mood, have an ice cream stand in the waiting room.
Tuesdays are probably Dead Ringers day.
Anything but David Lynch or Kronenberg day. I think an Existenz pap smear would definitely come back abnormal.
So funny! As a teacher though, I get my yearly girly done by a former students' parent. Parent/teacher conferences took on a different meaning for a while!
I would have blamed the whole scene on my hormones and thought it was all my imagination. Because my hormones are pretty whacked.
That is so freaking creepy. I can't even imagine. I think I would probably assume I was in a dream and lay down on the floor to try to wake up.
Bloody fucking awesome! I love it, there is way too many "normal" office visits in my life. Can I have the number for that doctor's office?
OMG. Please tell me this was not the doctor's office I recommended to you? I'm going to go die of embarrassment if it is. That and book my next appt for a Friday.
I think I would have turned around and walked right bakc out the door. That, coming from one who worked in a doctor's office for eight years, is an insane idea.
I tell ya, I think they're dipping into the pharmaceutical samples....
I would be completely creeped out by that. I really want the people in my doctor's office to be quite familiar with modern medicine thank you very much. At least they picked that generation instead of making you fear leeches and bleeding treatments.