Thursday
Apr142011
Past Future Perfect
Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 10:35PM | Mr Lady
I carried you under my skin and muscle and bone and flesh and I imagined counting the wrinkles of your hands, the crevices in between your fingers and your toes. I stared at the floor without blinking once until all the tiles swirled around and whirled into each other and when everything else was gone I was certain I could see your stocking feet pittering across the floor. When you pressed so hard against my body that I could see you tiny hand raise away from me, I would dig into my muscle to grab it and squeeze as hard as I was able so I could catch a glimpse of what it would be like to hold you.
I can't unremember that hand.
I cannot account for you in anything but centimeters and heartbeats.
I ran my hands across the crystal ball that housed you safe and warm inside of me and I dreamed visions of you a child, soft and wide eyed and wondrous. I dreamed you a man, dark and bold and tall. I dreamed you all the things I never was and never will be.
I never dreamed of this.
I cannot account for you in anything but lullabies and sonograms.
I held you every day, measuring your growth against my bones, laid bare for you. I whispered truths into your perfect ears while you slept - that you were a God, the beginning and the end, moving mountains with mustard seeds. I wrapped my battered hands around your angelic face and memorized you with every one of my senses so that I could never lose you. You push against me and I pull into you as we waltz across the rooms of our life together.
I could not recognize your hand the last time we crossed a street together.
I cannot account for you any longer.
Last night, I woke you up at 15 minutes until midnight to say my goodbyes. I climbed into your bed and stared into your sleepy eyes and thanked you for a wonderful yea...a wonderful stage of your life. I said the same words I have and will say to you every April 13th at your bedtime, that I cannot imagine a life without you, but I cannot wait to meet you new in the morning. You smiled at me the way you have and will every April 13th at your bedtime, that I have done right by you and you know with everything you are that you are truly loved.
I wrapped my battered hands around your angelic face and tried for a moment to memorize you with every one of my senses so that I would never lose you, and when I kissed your wondrous, wide eyed face for the last time I realized that the man you are becoming is greater than anything I ever could have dreamed, because you are everything I never was and never will be.
I can't unremember that hand.
I cannot account for you in anything but centimeters and heartbeats.
I ran my hands across the crystal ball that housed you safe and warm inside of me and I dreamed visions of you a child, soft and wide eyed and wondrous. I dreamed you a man, dark and bold and tall. I dreamed you all the things I never was and never will be.
I never dreamed of this.
I cannot account for you in anything but lullabies and sonograms.
I held you every day, measuring your growth against my bones, laid bare for you. I whispered truths into your perfect ears while you slept - that you were a God, the beginning and the end, moving mountains with mustard seeds. I wrapped my battered hands around your angelic face and memorized you with every one of my senses so that I could never lose you. You push against me and I pull into you as we waltz across the rooms of our life together.
I could not recognize your hand the last time we crossed a street together.
I cannot account for you any longer.
Last night, I woke you up at 15 minutes until midnight to say my goodbyes. I climbed into your bed and stared into your sleepy eyes and thanked you for a wonderful yea...a wonderful stage of your life. I said the same words I have and will say to you every April 13th at your bedtime, that I cannot imagine a life without you, but I cannot wait to meet you new in the morning. You smiled at me the way you have and will every April 13th at your bedtime, that I have done right by you and you know with everything you are that you are truly loved.
I wrapped my battered hands around your angelic face and tried for a moment to memorize you with every one of my senses so that I would never lose you, and when I kissed your wondrous, wide eyed face for the last time I realized that the man you are becoming is greater than anything I ever could have dreamed, because you are everything I never was and never will be.
Happy 13th birthday, my son.
Reader Comments (21)
Beautiful.
Also, 13? Where has the time gone exactly?
That was indeed perfect. And that boy is destined for greatness. Not just in your eyes, but in everyone who is ever fortunate enough to cross paths with him. Of course when I crossed paths with him, he damn near ripped my shoulder out. Great.
Past Future Perfect http://bit.ly/heZVtw #mom blog
Bawling crying of a friday morning...such lovely words.
Happy 13th Birthday to your boy.
My goodness, he is totally handsome. Wow.
You are KEELING me. What a great mom you are.
Happy birthday to your son, and bravo for such a beautiful post.
A truly beautiful sentiment captured in sheer poetry. Congratulations to YOU on these 13 years of parenting your son. Our children grow but with them so do we.
Happy Birthday Bunny!!!! Auntie loves you. And what a fine looking man you are turning into. I really need you to meet my daughter.
Just sayin'.
Wink.
13? Wow.
Happy Birth-day to you both.
::sob::
Wow. Beautifully written. Just very much wow.
So amazingly beautiful. You are an amazing mom and writer.
If only I could was poetic to my children.
Wonderful post. My heart is full and hurts, knowing I'm wandering the same path, knowing 13 is closer than I think. Happy birthday to both of you!
Oh my gosh, I can't take it! I just wrote something exactly like this about my baby turning 4 on Tuesday. I want to freeze time for me and you.
Oh, dear god, this was beautiful.
A deeply, truly happy birthday to him. And to the you who was born along with him.
TwoBusy said it perfectly. Much happiness to all of you. xo
Beautiful as always. happy 13th birthday to your son. (and btw glad to see you've resumed regular relations with your blog...so i can resume reading regularly).
And is he really as engrossed as he looks in the photo in his catcher and the rye book? handsome AND intellectual? what say you about setting up a betrothal right now? i have 3 daughters to pick from...
if you're interested, hit ME, yo. ;)
Breath = caught.
Happy belated birthday!
So glad I found your blog.
LOVE this post. LOVE.
xo
babymama
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-Lanvin shoes for cheap I could not recognize your hand the last time we crossed a street together.