;)
Wednesday
Apr202011
Safe Kids, Unicorns and Other Mythical Creatures
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 5:53PM
In honor of Safe Kids Week, and in support of the upcoming Safe Kids Facebook webcast on sports injury prevention, I agreed to write a post about preventing injuries in children. Because I am the World's Leading Authority on Sports Related Injury Prevention.
My husband is an athlete and aspires to have little athlete minions running around our home so I do the best that I can to keep our kids active and and athletic even though I am incapable of standing upright for more than five minutes without falling over sideways because I have all the balance of an egg and as much coordination as cooked pasta. But I write a mean line of code. Shut up.
However, in my now thirteen ohmygodkillmenow years of raising children, I have learned that there is one universal, undeniable truth...everything will break your children. Everything. There is nothing safe. All you can do is bubble wrap your kids and hope for the best.
*Bubble wrap the outside, people. OUTSIDE.
Don't believe me? Let's walk through a few different types of sports and see what we find:
Swimming: I started the children in swimming at a young age because my husband was a swimmer, so naturally, he wants his kids to be swimmers but naturally, he doesn't want them to know that he wants it because men are confusing and I give up.
So we gave our kids the gift of water and this what water gave us back.
Yes, my child cracked his head open on water. It's a gift. We also got a hematoma on the frontal lobe of a skull and a toe with a disconcerting amount of skin that just refuses to ever grow back for our effort. Pool: 3 Us: 0
Gymnastics: They call it Tumbling to lure you into some false sense of security, like it's sweet and polka dotted and made of unicorns and Jujubes when really it is lurking in a dark alley waiting to jump you with a crow bar and rubber cement.
*You're welcome for not showing you the pre-stitches picture with the brain matter hanging out of the side of his head.
And if the gym doesn't succeed at poking holes in their heads, it'll just attempt to rip those cute little heads clean off. Gym: 2 Us: 0
Playgrounds: Get your kids outside! Go to the park! Slide down the slide! Break an EYESOCKET.
And if that doesn't do it for you, you could just walk around the slide, smack your foot against the side of it and break that, instead. The playground gods giveth; the playground gods taketh away.
Or you could just let gravity take care of everything for you and spend several hours catching vomit after they fall from the 'mom, look how HIGH I climbed' part of the jungle gym. Because that's good family fun for everyone. Playgrounds: 3 Us: 0
Gravity in General: With every step you take you are snubbing your nose at 9.80665 m/s2 of gravitational pressure. That's, like, a lot. And eventually, gravity is going to snub you back. It'll probably be when your neighbor decides to play that 'toss your kid in the air and catch' him game, except he's only really good at one part. Or maybe when you take your kid out to play and he rips half his face off because his Buzz Lightyear costume broke after he jumped off a giant embankment, so even though he pushed the ba-woo button, he no fa-wy. Nature: ∞ Us: 0
Playing with balls:
And that's all I'm going to say about that. Balls: 3 Us: Depends greatly on whom you ask.
So I guess my point is this: If you can't keep them safe, learn to use a camera. If you can't use a camera, learn to keep them safe. If you want to learn to keep them safe, you can visit Safe Kids or join in their sports injury webcast on May 2nd, on Facebook. It'll be hosted by:
They'll be talking about preparation through pre-participation exams, the importance of hydration, concussion awareness (possession-style vomit is your first clue) and acute and overuse injury prevention (which, sadly, I learned about the hard way.)
My husband is an athlete and aspires to have little athlete minions running around our home so I do the best that I can to keep our kids active and and athletic even though I am incapable of standing upright for more than five minutes without falling over sideways because I have all the balance of an egg and as much coordination as cooked pasta. But I write a mean line of code. Shut up.
However, in my now thirteen ohmygodkillmenow years of raising children, I have learned that there is one universal, undeniable truth...everything will break your children. Everything. There is nothing safe. All you can do is bubble wrap your kids and hope for the best.
*Bubble wrap the outside, people. OUTSIDE.
Don't believe me? Let's walk through a few different types of sports and see what we find:
Swimming: I started the children in swimming at a young age because my husband was a swimmer, so naturally, he wants his kids to be swimmers but naturally, he doesn't want them to know that he wants it because men are confusing and I give up.
So we gave our kids the gift of water and this what water gave us back.
Yes, my child cracked his head open on water. It's a gift. We also got a hematoma on the frontal lobe of a skull and a toe with a disconcerting amount of skin that just refuses to ever grow back for our effort. Pool: 3 Us: 0
Gymnastics: They call it Tumbling to lure you into some false sense of security, like it's sweet and polka dotted and made of unicorns and Jujubes when really it is lurking in a dark alley waiting to jump you with a crow bar and rubber cement.
*You're welcome for not showing you the pre-stitches picture with the brain matter hanging out of the side of his head.
And if the gym doesn't succeed at poking holes in their heads, it'll just attempt to rip those cute little heads clean off. Gym: 2 Us: 0
Playgrounds: Get your kids outside! Go to the park! Slide down the slide! Break an EYESOCKET.
And if that doesn't do it for you, you could just walk around the slide, smack your foot against the side of it and break that, instead. The playground gods giveth; the playground gods taketh away.
Or you could just let gravity take care of everything for you and spend several hours catching vomit after they fall from the 'mom, look how HIGH I climbed' part of the jungle gym. Because that's good family fun for everyone. Playgrounds: 3 Us: 0
Gravity in General: With every step you take you are snubbing your nose at 9.80665 m/s2 of gravitational pressure. That's, like, a lot. And eventually, gravity is going to snub you back. It'll probably be when your neighbor decides to play that 'toss your kid in the air and catch' him game, except he's only really good at one part. Or maybe when you take your kid out to play and he rips half his face off because his Buzz Lightyear costume broke after he jumped off a giant embankment, so even though he pushed the ba-woo button, he no fa-wy. Nature: ∞ Us: 0
Playing with balls:
And that's all I'm going to say about that. Balls: 3 Us: Depends greatly on whom you ask.
So I guess my point is this: If you can't keep them safe, learn to use a camera. If you can't use a camera, learn to keep them safe. If you want to learn to keep them safe, you can visit Safe Kids or join in their sports injury webcast on May 2nd, on Facebook. It'll be hosted by:
- Dr. Angela Mickalide, CHES, Director of Research and Programs, Safe Kids Worldwide
- Dr. Douglas Casa, Director of Athletic Training Education, University of Connecticut
- Dr. Gerard Gioia, Chief, Division of Pediatric Neuropsychology and Safe Concussion Outcome, Recovery & Education (SCORE) Program at Children's National Medical Center
- Steve Young, former NFL Star Quarterback and On-air Talent ESPN
They'll be talking about preparation through pre-participation exams, the importance of hydration, concussion awareness (possession-style vomit is your first clue) and acute and overuse injury prevention (which, sadly, I learned about the hard way.)
Reader Comments (15)
Know what? You did a good job scaring me. So good in fact, that I'm simply going to bypass safety and just take out insurance policies for everything imaginable. State Farm should be kicking you back a check too.
So. I'll be purchasing bubble wrap in bulk, and hyperventilating every time they get off the couch.
I try to strike a balance with my two girls and let them push limits, while keeping them safe. My worst fear is be my mother, who barely let me get dirty! Yes, you have your hands full! That picture with the bubble wrap is priceless, I never thought that it might be gratifying to pop it with your teeth...
I try to strike a balance between allowing my girls to push limits and keeping them safe. My worst fear is that I will be my mother, who barely let me out of the house!
I am now regretting every childhood injury my children have ever had. But not because they got injured.
But because I didn't have the forethought to document it for a future blog post. DAMN IT.
Also that last shot slays me. Them kids...they were so widdle and pweshush.
Safe Kids Week: Safe Kids week is April 19-22, and Safekids.com asked me to talk about sports injury prevention ... http://bit.ly/f89MN1
Mine has just started to play hockey. I'm an absolute WRECK!
(Thanks for the reminder about the camera! I'll start carrying the Flip, too 'cause I'm OCD like that)
Wait, there is INJURY PREVENTION? I thought we were just here to pick up the pieces when they dashed themselves against the ground too many times.
For the record, Amy has never required a hospital visit, despite me noticing that she had a dislocated shoulder in the photo I took 2 days later (spontaneous reduction, it didn't hurt her). Whereas Isaac? Ooooh boy, all my grey hairs are his fault and he has a rocking scar on his eyebrow to show future girlfriends.
Even with a game of TAG breaking Caden's arm in 3 places and requiring various items from a construction site to reassemble him, I still think they are pretty indestructible. All of the things that happen to them that doesn't hurt them...
(and I think I am not a bad photographer, so there is that.)
You know what picture you should have had up here though... a certain jump-rope/bunk bed debacle...
Never been so pleased to have a bookworm girl. um... thanks?
Hope things go better now that you have to provide your own insurance :/ Those hospital visits are freakin pricey!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sigh*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BWA!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(er... 5 kids, I'm laughing at myse... er... no I'm not)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
One broken right arm requiring surgery to put a pin in it because mommy wasn't spotting her daughter on the monkey bars and is a lazy and slatternly bitch. One broken left arm. A hairline fracture the ER doctor couldn't see so he kept trying to snap the arm back in place while mommy held the child down, which will require years of therapy because mommy thought the sadistic, idiot, jackass doctor was cute and didn't question his competency. One split eye which required dermaglue and all these in a three month period. Where's child services?
ROTFL Now I'm even more excited to be having a kid. Now much of your writing and humor take on a greater meaning...
Ah yeah, me and gravity don't get along either and sadly I have passed those genes on to my children. Just tonight I watched my littlest do a spectacular backwards fall off the couch. I was sitting 3 feet away yet could do nothing about it.
-Christian Dior Leather Shoes for less I agreed to write a post about preventing injuries in children.