Ain't no party like the Co$$unis# Party 'cause the Co$$unis# Party Dudn't Give a Fuck

Ni Hao, Harbin!

So, I'm in Harbin, which is like 100 miles from Siberia, and I just had a breakfast of powered coffee with powdered milk and powered orange juice and powered eggs and I don't even want to know the origins of the 'sausage'.

Everything is banned in China, except my blog, which means I've done a really good job of limiting my conversations about drinking with the Co$$unis#* Party to Twitter. Which is blocked. Just like Facebook, though I really can't blame them for that. I'm 98% sure that Posterous is blocked, too, but maybe I just fail at landlines. The Party does not want you to have friends.

We're on LAN networks. In China, the land of Technology and Honey. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to plug my computer in. Seriously. The Party does not want you doing anything but making more party members from bed.

The work "bed" translates differently in Harbin than it does in the USA. Here, it means 'shut the fuck up and lay down before The Chairman sends you to the labor camp', or, 'there are 1.3 billion people here; clearly our beds are doing the trick; shut up.' The Party appreciates your willingness to split up the box springs and the mattresses amongst yourselves.

My assignment for the day is to take our American guest shopping at 10 this morning, which is going to be hilarious since we cumulatively speak -15 Chinese words. My boss (who actually can say things like "how much does this cost" and "xie xie" and "please don't kill them, they don't know any better") is off speaking to college students on the wonders of America or dot net or something, I don't know. The Party encourages me to remember my place as a woman, and get them some more Tang while I'm up.

...and that, unfortunately, is as good as I get on 4.5 hours of sleep in a foreign country halfway around the world from my home. Hopefully I'll still have a blog tomorrow (provided The Chairman appreciates my humour) and maybe a power adaptor so some pictures can go up. Or airplane footage, which was *really* funny at the time, but the time was 16 hours without sleep, so it's probably going to read like Fear and Loathing in Shanghai. 

*China: Successfully censoring Mr Lady since 2011.

The best part of waking up is disdain in your cup.

We overslept this morning, because it's the first day of school for a lot of you and since we're already two weeks in, which is like twenty months in school-years, we figured we'd do you all a solid and go ahead and realize that nightmare you sat up having all night, that you'd oversleep and miss all the buses and the crying and the separation anxiety this morning.

We're givers. You're welcome.

So I'm driving my sons to their junior high school this morning and we're lined up at the light that is always backed up 16 3/172 of a mile to go straight onto the highway, but what we need is the turn lane that is about to get the green signal and has exactly zero cars in. Unfortunately, we are stuck behind the white Ford dually that perfected Freudian marketing to Caucasian heterosexuals which is completely cock-blocking me from catching the turn signal, and since I'm sitting there next to a rather large church, behind a huge, bulging pickup, I do what any attendance-office fearing woman in my position would do; with arm outstretched to heaven, I start singing spir'tuals in my verybest baritone.


My 13 year old heathen turns to me, rolls his eyes and says, "Mother? Sometimes you disappoint me."