but mom, all the cool kids are doing it!

Seven things to do before I die:
  • see the great wall of china
  • get a degree in something
  • hold a gun (currently too chicken)
  • johny depp
  • stop biting my nails
  • try a drug, any drug (which, with my less than great heart, would promptly lead to the whole dying thing)
  • johny depp

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

  • shove a straw up one nostril, and down out the other. (though my sister in law can. Lucky bastard.)
  • a cartwheel (or anything close to a cartwheel, for that matter)
  • speak a foreign language
  • eat sushi
  • ride a unicycle
  • ski
  • swim to the bottom of a pool

Seven things that attract me to my spouse (significant other, best friend):

and in that order

  • his legs. The boy has some nice legs.
  • his tasteless British comedy sense of humor. Pointing at people walking down the street who clearly have cerebral palsy and saying, "look honey, the ministry of silly walks!" is so not cool in the cutest way.
  • his most excellent gene pool. We make remarkably beautiful children.
  • his mixed tapes. Anyone who can put the Stones on with the Beach Boys, then Bad Religion, add some Poison, chase it with John Denver and wrap it up with Propagandi is ok in my book.
  • her undying devotion. She loves me truly, madly, deeply.
  • her obsession with haiku.
  • her Robert Plant hair.

Seven things I say often:

  • really
  • fabulous
  • excellent
  • word up
  • no (i'm a momma, after all)
  • come on
  • yo yo yo MTV raps (you'd be shocked at how many places you can slip that one in)

Seven books or book series I love:

  • H2G2
  • A Prayer for Owen Meany
  • Cider House Rules
  • Sandra Boynton books (yes, they're for infants. I still love them)
  • Life After God
  • Hey Nostradamus
  • The Gospel According to Jesus Christ

Seven movies I watch over and over again:

  • Jesus Christ Superstar
  • Raising Arizona
  • O Brother Where Art Thou
  • Pi
  • William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas

Seven people I think might be willing to do this:

  • That's tough. I just did it to keep up with him, him, her and him. I'd bet MollyG would be totally up to it, though.

Maybe I Was Just Too Late to the Party?

I recently caught Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on TV, and I have but one thing to say:
What is wrong with you people?
How do you not realize that this is about the creepiest thing ever? It's like Satan's little holiday message of cheer. Maybe you don't notice because you've grown up with it, but for those of us discovering it at 30 for the first time, it's disturbing. Really, really disturbing.

I hope the Charlie Brown Christmas thing isn't as bad.

true tales of woe

Why is the Diaper Genie the worst baby gift ever? Because it is the best baby gift ever. Once you pass the courses required to learn the drop-click-spin technique only a Harvard physics major could master, it takes those putrid, nasty ass diapers that your precious angel has created and cocoons them like a string of pearls, wrapping them in odor-shielding plastic goodness. This works so well that you can actually forget about the diapers until the thing is full. Which you most certainly will once the kid is potty trained. A year and a half later, when you notice the Genie under the pile of toys you bought the kid for Christmas that they never play with, you then get to deal with the string of diaper-pearls you accidentally left in there, which amazingly enough STILL don't stink, but look like something you saw in a 1930's horror flick in the middle of the night at your grandma's house.

Worst. Gift. Ever.

It's a funny thing, these parents

When I first realized that my parents were not good people, I thought that perhaps I might just be missing some information. I thought that after I had children of my own, I would learn something I hadn't hadn't known before, and then I would understand my own parents. And so I had children, and I waited. I waited to once feel so much anger that I could beat them until the blood showed through their jammies, to once feel so much contempt for them that I could leave them in the same diaper all day because I wasn't interested enough to change them, to once feel so much hate for them to lock them in their room for weeks or months on end. And guess what? I still haven't felt it. Not even once. Normal people don't feel like that towards their children. I pity my parents, for never having felt this crazy love I feel for my kids. What a sad thing to miss out on.

My friend is 4 months pregnant, and her placenta has spent the past 4 weeks trying to detach. She is on permo-bed rest, and praying to keep the baby. My other friend, almost 5 months pregnant, lost her baby last weekend.

The next time I complain about this baby not sleeping or screaming at me, please feel free to reach through the computer and punch me square in the teeth.