for real

In this morning's mail...

Dear families and friends of Peace Corps Trainees,

This email is just to notify you that the South Africa trainees arrived safely and on time. Many of them have been unable to complete calls home. They asked us to notify you through this email. During their training, you should expect that they would contact you by mail only. At their swearing-in ceremony at the end of September, they will be able to purchase cell phones and make phone contact with you at that time. Until then, you can write them at:

blah blah blah. You weren't planning on writing, were you?

And why are you here anyway? I've been waiting for you over here!

hope you don't have any abandonment issues

Remember, the other day, when I was all like "I love you guys" and most of you were all like "oh, baby, you da MAN!"

Please try to remember that this week while I abandon you entirely. You see, Andy has asked me for this huge favor. The ignore your own blog and send all your traffic over to mine while you guest blog for me favor. What he has failed to remember is that a) this blog isn't so very good most of the time and b) though you are loyal and I totally want to buy you all drinks and make out with you in the parking lot after, your numbers are few and he may not so much notice a huge jump in traffic.

But I will oblige. Because he said I was pretty. And smart. And I'm easy like that.

So, for the next week, you will find me here. Please please please come visit me. I'll be all alone and playing with the big boys. And say hi for Christ's sake. I can't actually see any of you, you know.

you. yes you. this one's for you, wherever you.... (the AGAIN updated version)

Last week, The Retropolitan had a post about his target audience. Where I think I made honorable mention (tee hee! *shreeeeek!*). And it got me thinking about this blog thing and what, if any, target audience I cater to.

I would imagine my target audience would be people a) with a genetic code or two in common with me and there by obligated to read b) with a new baby c) with children d) hoping to see some boobies e) with a poop fetish or f) who like to feel superior so they read about my fumblings about it parent-dome.

This, however, is a shockingly bad representation of my ACTUAL audience. Play along, for a minute, while I put you all into little piles.

  • I have a disproportionate number of male, republican readers. Most of you, (Andy, David, Chris, Corky*, The Retropolitan?) however, could be lumped into the boobie-or-poop categories (Andy, you know where I put YOU, now don't you?).
  • There's ASYB'er, Nicole and Molly. You all are obligated to read this and say nice things like, "Gee, your shoes are pretty" or "Everyone has forgotten their kids at the store once or twice. It's TOTALLY a right of passage for mothers" because we love each other.
  • There are a few teachers who come by here (Abigail, Pigs). I used to be, like, the president of the PTA and shit and so I can see why this might be an interesting place to come read. I'm quite sure I have ASYB'er to thank for your patronage, but since your are both expecting, welcome. I hope you will stick around.
  • Heather, who is totally hot and the only nanny I'd ever even consider hiring.
  • There's Chris, the not-so-Rude Cactus, and his wife, Beth the Fish. Talk about target audience. Left-wing, new parents, lovers of music and photography. And a good cream puff. You win the prize for perfect readers. You will be receiving your gift in the mail in 5-15 weeks. Canadian mail is slow.
  • There are Diane and DMM, my trusty commenters. I'll call them the blog cheerleaders. Diane, PTA member, stay-at-home-mom, basically my evil twin, who was, until recently, the only consistent commenter on my blog. I love you <---this big---> for that. And DMM, you followed in Diane's steps nicely. Thanks, dude.
  • Sarah's the newbie. Be prepared for some mind-numbingly stupid shit. You may actually get dumber.
  • I think, oh, I hope, that Russell still comes over sometimes. Russell, the prettiest man on the face of the Earth. Russell, flaming gay. Russell, cock-tease.
  • And then, aaaaaand thennnnn, there's Peggy and Dunkie. You bad, evil, naughty lurkers. I totally know you're there.

To recap: 5 politically misguided, dirty men, my 3 BFF's, 2 teachers, 1 hot teenage nanny, 2 new parents, 2 cheerleaders, 1 newbie, 1 very gay, very hot boy and 2 stalkers.

Notice how none of my relatives read this? And I've even told a few of them about it.

Oh well, I like you all. I'm glad you read this silly little blog.

(But could you, maybe, leave a comment every now and then? Diane and DMM are tired of picking up your slack, you slackers.)

*It may not be fair to lump Corky in with these guys. I have no personal knowledge of Corky being anything other than a fine, upstanding, dignified and brilliant man. But you are Chris' dad, and you know what they say about the apple not falling so very far from the tree...

In an unexpected twist of events, another lurker has been outed. Ha! Lynn, confess your sins, eat this bland cracker, do some squats and all will be forgiven.

Apparently, The Retropolitan is over here on the dark side (muwahaha), Andy is a sissy and Zombyboy needs a friend. Just for the record.