guilty pleasures

  • Really expensive handbags
  • Whisky with Bailey's in it
  • The boy that valets my car at work
  • Type O Negative
  • Cigarettes
  • The middle of oreos
  • Foot rubs
  • Making out in elevators
  • Stealing wifi internet access
  • Mopping floors
  • Gas fumes
  • Contact highs
  • Water-gun fights

Bonus points to whomever guesses first the three I have had the opportunity to indulge in lately...

snowday, bloody snowday

My kids and I were up by 5. No, that's not entirely true. B, my little insomniac, was up by 3:45 and L and I were up by 5. T wandered his tired little butt up by 6. I lovelovelove the sight of my kids early in the morning. Not that I get to see it much. You see, we are sleepers. All of us. We don't so much sleep at night, but what we miss out on we more than make up for between the hours of 4-7. You could plop 15 Morris Chestnuts on my lap with a bottle of whiskey in each of their hands and I'd keep right on dreaming of pineapples. You know those people who are up and showered and kids fed and out the door by 7? Yeah, we're not those people. 8:45 is still a really early school-start time for us.

So, my kids and I all wandered upstairs well before there was sun today. And the sight of them, all chinkie-eyed, was just too much to bear. Oh, shit, that was supposed to be in a thought bubble. Do you have any of those grossly inappropriate things that just fly out of your mouths sometimes? Cause I sure do. Chinkie-eyed is most certainly one of them. I just can't find a better word for the squinty little hazed look they have in their jammies in the morning. I guess I don't really have any others. Well, I say fuck a lot, but so do you. Admit it, you do. I grew up way too only-white-girl-in-a-gun-toting-ghetto to ever, ever think that the N-word is funny, even as a joke, even off-the-cuff, ever. Nobody best be saying that shit near me. I'll whack ya. But the chinkie-eyed thing, well, I just can't quit it.

Anyway, we were up, watching the snow fall. Another wet, thick, heavy cold snow has plopped down on our fair city today. It is sweet snowman snow. Too bad we'll all be way too busy slaving away at our school's Halloween Carnival to make any.

Have I ever told you that I have never once made a snowman in my whole life? Nope, never once. It's on my list of things to do before someone kills me.

I also can't do a cartwheel. Bygones.

Halloween Carnival. We have this mom at our school who is really good at signing up for events and then totally in every way failing to fulfill her commitments. She has somehow managed, year after year, to find, at the very last minute, a handful of people to pick up her slack quietly and behind the scenes so she can take all the credit for everything she failed so miserably to do.

People keep putting her in charge of shit.

She is in charge of food tonight. 3 weeks ago, when she still hadn't done thing ONE, I started in on it. Cause, after all, the shit's gotsa get done and if she's not gonna do it, I damn well will. She knew I was doing it and has thusfar been all with the "could you also"'s and "would you mind doing"'s. Well, last night, like 20 hours before the doors open for this shin-dig, I call her to find out what the hell she is doing tomorrow so we can be on the same page. And I'll be a greased Jesus if she didn't seriously yell at me for doing her thing. She yelled at me for organizing stuff for her. How dare I take care of ordering the food so it will all be there and on time? How dare I try to make some new signage so people will now how many tickets a candy apple costs? Can you imagine the gall I must have to try to help out with a PTA fundraiser? It's not like I've ever done anything for the PTA before. It's not like I don't have 7,364 other things I could be doing.

I know. I am a horrible, awful, no good person.

Well, honestly, I kind of am.

I stopped what I was doing right then and there, let her state her peace, hung up the phone, hit delete on my little "food file" and am going to giggle like a school girl in love as she fucks this whole thing up tonight. Because why, you ask? Because I am a mean, nasty, passive-aggressive scanky bitch-whore, that's why. I have a LOT of frustration just a'waiting to be vented on someone, and she stepped right up to the plate. Dumbass.

Oh, I didn't mention that I am also the volunteer coordinator for the event tonight, and after a phone call from the haunted house committee this morning very nicely asking if they could steal some of my volunteers, I pull half of hers from the food booths to help them out. I like nice people.

Doesn't make me one of them, though.



I just want to state, for the record, that I just found out via email that I am to have lunch with Tim E. this week. No one but Molly will get why this makes me wish I had fingernails so I could bite them off, but it does so run with me on this one.

Shhh. Don't tell anybody. It's kind of a secret.

(Dammit, I can't believe I'm typing this but if you're reading this, you're probably not looking for this post.  I'm guessing you're looking to something more like a eulogy.  RIP, Tim.  I loved you, man.)

So, what are you doing Thursday night?

'Cause there's this, this party, and I thought that maybe, if you weren't doing anything, you might want to come with me?

Yeah, I'm never gonna get a date.

So, those of you who know me know where my kids go to school. Or could find out easily via email. The school is throwing our annual Halloween Carnival. It's actually really flipping fun. We turn the whole auditorium into a big ass hanted house, and to do this we as the PTA offer a 6 week class on haunted house building during school hours on Fridays just to get it done. Ahhh, child labor cleverly disguised as public education. So, there's a haunted house, a costume parade, something called a cake walk?, loads of *really healthy, low fat, high protein snacks, games, glow-in-the-dark trinckets for sale, face painting, you name it. It's super fun and the kiddies love it, and your kiddie would love it, too. You should bring him/her/them.

You seriously should come. You. Specifically YOU. I'll cry a little if you don't and seeings how I'm all emotionally fragile and shit right now, you should be doing everything in your power to prevent that.

I'm just sayin'.

*You just keep right on telling yourself that those Halloween cupcakes are good for you. Go ahead, have another one.

I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow

I skipped two whole birthdays last week. Yep, I suck. So here goes:

October 14th just so happens to be a great day for me, birthday-wise. Two of my all-time fav's came into the world that day. First up, O Jennifer, O Jenny. My old neighbor. My new coffee and cigs after we drop the kids at school buddy. Jenny is, um, is fucking awesome too strong a word? Nope, it sure ain't. Jenny smuggled a 4 pack of Guinness into the hospital the night L was born so we could celebrate properly. And then she cried like a little girl at the sight of my baby. All of this ony 3 months after we had met. Last year, we went together to some PTA thing and slammed a beer in the school parking lot before we went in. Half of the faculty saw us doing it. We're, like, notorious now and shit. Trouble-raising crazy moms. Jenny, who loathes the same people at school as I do, Jenny who used to sit out front with me drinking beer/wine/whatever was handy while we watched our kids play (sensing a theme here?), Jenny who likes the hip and the hop as much, if not more than I do, but really likes the Dead, too. Jenny who is so truly, madly, deeply in love with the Broncos that she (I kid you not) painted her front door orange. Jenny was this chick I accidentally met just because I moved into the house next door, and I think I will keep her forever. She is true-blue, a forever friend. I kinda love her.

And then there's N. You may have seen her around here. She is the wife of a boy with some very hot pants. Pants so hot, he can't fit his wallet in the pocket. Oh, N. I just run out of words for you. Maybe that's because you made me drink 500 shots last night and I'm a little groggy right now. Maybe it's because you just take my breath away. N makes the most amazingly mind-numblingly beautiful jewelry you could ever hope to see. She is freakishly artistic, funny, smart, painfully beautiful, kind, warm, a great cook and an even better friend. She is going to be a mama soon here and let me tell you, that is one seriously lucky little Chinese baby. She will be the kind of mama they write country songs about and design jailhouse tattoos on knuckles for. I also accidentally met her just because her brother has great taste in books and I had to stop him on a stoop one day and talk to him about one he was reading. A few months later, he was a godfather and I had this woman in my life, this woman I love like a sister, but more than that, because she's so totally one of my very bestest friends. We laugh alot together. We make funny faces across the table at each other. I will never, ever be without her. Ever.

So, N and Jenn. I loves you guys. I am glad you have the same birthday. I am lucky for both of you. Thanks for being my friends.