Tonight, we're not having a recipe post. Today, the recipe is the invitees. Auds at Barking Mad has asked us to host a dinner party on our blogs and invite 10 bloggers to come over. I am all over that shit, yo. Especially since Andrea at Little Bald Doctors and Dana at Supernanny, Where Are You have already asked me over and I'm plum out of anymore dishes to bring.
I am supposed to invite 10 people I'd really like to meet in real life, so I am assuming I should omit those I already HAVE met in real life, for the sake of fairness. I had to wiggle some ladies in there, but for mostly unselfish reasons.
1. I'm trying to do this by menu item. First, in charge of the wine, I'm inviting Ron at Ducks Mahal. I don't know if Ron know thing one about wine, but I'm betting he's hysterical all drunk. He also gets to say grace before dinner, because there's something about him that makes me really want to go to church again. Ron is my kind of believer.
2. With some seriously refined appetizers, I'm inviting Andrea at Mommy's Martini. She made some dip for Bossy that evidently inspired proposals of marriage or something. Come on over, Andrea. Bring those martini recipes, too. I know they'll be as elegant as she is. Andrea will sit right next to me and correct me every time I drop a semi-colon in; the wrong place. And then we will laugh our asses off over almost nothing at all, like we were 13 or something.
3. I am recruiting Chris Cactus (and of course, his wife Beth) to bring the juice boxes and the Baskin Robbins cake for the kids. He knows why. I am inviting them because, well, I kind of want to hook up at least one of their kids with mine. You've got to at least try to pick your co-grandparents, right? I also secretly hope Chris will make a mixtape for us to listen to. Chris will be in charge of making sure the bathroom is clear of all freaks, short, mythical, outlandish or just flat out wrong before we enter. He will take 5,439 pictures of the party, and he will be the focal point of 5,438 of them. And that will be just fine.
4. I am inviting Jenny, the Bloggess, because as much as I lovelovelove her and no bathroom counter will ever feel the same again to me *wink*, my husband is majorly in crush with her, and he may not survive much longer if he doesn't meet her. I'm asking her to bring some oxygen tanks for the rest of you who don't know yet that you have to remember to breath when she talks, because she doesn't, at all, and you won't either. Just like when your husband snores all night and then stops, and you wake up almost but not quite totally asphyxiated. Fucker.
5. Laskigal is bringing the main dish. Why, I don't know. I just get the feeling she could make a really great main dish. She is just really great, kind of all the time. I think she'll make something interesting, but not at all pretentious, with just enough but not too many ingredients, and there will totally be something deep and spicy about what she makes. None of us will be able to quite put our finger on what it is, but we'll want more. After her course is over, we'll all be really settled and content. Because she's awesome like that.
6. Kori is going to get stuck making some side dish, and she'll do it, and she'll roll her eyes at me the whole time for making her do it, and we'll sit across the table from each other all night and make really quiet, subtle, inappropriate jokes that no one else will catch. We'll go outside together for a smoke, and we'll have some earth shattering heart to heart chat, and then we'll go back in and be all cool and collected and sly. She will tell stories over dinner, she'll be really monotone and even and calm about those stories, and the rest of us will sit with our jaws on the floor while she speaks, and we will all be in total awe of her come the end of the night. Then she'll make a blow job reference. And THAT is why she's invited. I can't be the ONLY one making them.
7. I am inviting the Suburban Kamikaze, because god knows someone has to get her out of the mid-west, even if for only one night. She's in charge of after-dinner drinks, and I fully expect them to have those snow-ball ice circles in them, sister. She will wear really hot underwear, and she will say things that everyone else in the room is thinking, kind of, but she will say them in a way none of us would ever think to, and we all will lose our will to speak by the end of the night, and just let her do it for us. We won't be sad about it, either; she's that good.
8. I am asking Momo-Fali to bring the beer, so long as it isn't Natural Light. She will be in charge of making sure there are no germs left on the counter, on our hands, in the air, or around most of the major metropolitan area. Afterward, she will write a 4 sentence recap of our dinner party, and it will be the most funny, brilliant thing anyone has ever read, and the entire night will be summed up perfectly. And her son will have labeled us all neatly before the night is through.
9. Polly, or Lesbian Dad as you may know her, is coming with Ms. Lesbian Mom and their children, who are so beautiful we will all be rendered instantly sterile, because what's the point, really? She's bringing dessert. She will talk of deep things, of stories that need to be told, with words that must be said, and we will all cry and be changed and forever moved, and then I will take the dessert she brings and lick it off of her. And I think she'll let me.
10. I am asking Sleep Deprivation Ninja to come, and we won't actually notice he's there, but occasionally we'll see a dark, shrouded blur whiz past us and hear a little chuckle adrift in the air. Just image how fast the dishes will be cleared from the table after dinner. Every dinner party needs a ninja in attendance. Just sayin'.
11. Fuck it, rules were made to be broken. RedNeck Mommy is coming, but you wouldn't know it unless I told you, because we look exactly alike, are almost exactly the same age, have almost exactly the same story, both have nose rings, are both Canadian, and both have so many kids we're about to have to move into a shoe. We will just trade places all night, never being in the same room at the same time, and you'll be slightly confused, but you'll get over it, because she's totally enchanting like that.
And that's all I'm allowed to invite, which kind of sucks, because I'd like to ask a whole lotta other people over. Maybe we'll have to do it again sometime.
Updated for what I suspect isn't the last time:
What's a party without some crashers? NO KINDA PARTY, that's what. Carolyn is crashing, and it's going to cause a bit of discord in her home because, well, she lives with a possessive jerk. *wink* She better not bring her kids, though, because we're serving Paranta and, well, go see for yourself. I have it on good authority that her kids will NOT be amused.
Ree is sneaking in with Andrea, and she's bringing the KY. Yep, I said it.
We'll see who else shows up. I'd better bust out some dixie plates.