The Pi

Saturday morning, March 14th, 2of3 came into my room at 7 am and said, "Mom, it's seven!"

I said humnaschmurna blageldorf.

He came back at 8 am and said, "Mawwwm, it's EIGHT."

I said okaerg.

At 8:30 I shook The Donor awake and we headed downstairs. The kids were all on the couch watching cartoons and three bowls of Lucky Charms were decomposing like Johann Pachelbel on the kitchen table.

So began my son's ninth year. He opened his gifts, and by "opened" I mean "looked behind our backs" because really, I suck at even thinking about wrapping things.

Which totally explains why I have a nine year old. Bygones.

We sat on the couch and read the pages in his baby book were I'd scribbled out the story of his exodus*. I showed him which bones of his caught on which bones of mine making an otherwise run-of-the-mill labour last two motherfucking glorious days. I billed him for the previous year, like I always do, and he promised to pay me in Reese's Pieces one day, like he always does.


I was disappointed that it was raining, so he couldn't go out to ride his new skateboard. He thought it was totallywickedawesome that he was allowed to ride it in the house just this once. He thought the tie he chose for dinner that he'd clearly outgrown a year ago looked 'mature', I thought it looked like a great opportunity to explain the joys of 'business casual'. He loved how his hair looked with the half jar of pomode he'd gooped into it, I thought he looked like Hitler after a rumble with The Jets.

So it goes with the boy born on the day of Relativity.


He had his very own steak at the restaurant that night, and no one even tried to cut it for him. He got the big knife and the huge dessert and the happy birthday song by the staff at the restaurant where they Do Not Sing happy birthday for anyone. He got to sit in the front seat with dad and choose the radio station and tonight as we tucked him in, he got double jumped with tickles and a million kisses.

So ended the first day of my son's ninth year.

No matter how old he gets, how mature he grows, he's still that baby boy I met nine years ago. When I saw his little face for the first time,  I knew him, like I'd always known him, like he was an old friend.   He looked like a lizard, but that's totally beside the point.  I knew he's walk the paths I did, only with more grace.  I knew he'd pick up where I left off and soar.  He's a mirror of me, all of his grandeur, and every one of his flaws.  He's what I'd hoped I could be and more.  Because he's him, and I'm pretty damn glad I got a piece of him.


*God, there are just so many Red Sea/parting thereof jokes to be made there, but I'm betting I'll be in enough trouble for defiling my poor son's birthday post as it is. You, however, can feel free to have at it.

In The Velvet Darkness

I'm posting this from an iPhone.

Thank you all for pointing that app out to The Donor and me; he added it right away and now, 1 3/4 of a sentence in, my thumbs joints won't unlock.

What I've learned: iPhones were designed by rodents in an attempt to rid us of our opposable thumbs and thereby Take Over The World. Don't worry, it's the same thing they do every week.

So, yes, this can bite me and I wouldn't be expecting another post until my piece of shit HP comes home from the shop, if I were you. Remember a year ago when I dropped $80 at the vet on a hamster we'd had for a whole week and you guys were all "you so dumb" and then that hamster died anyway? Yep, pretty sure we're reliving that nightmare, just with wardrobe money, not Starbucks money.

What I've learned: don't buy hamsters for christmas and mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be pc's.

I actually have so much stuff to talk about once I'm functional again that I've forgotten ALL of it. You know when you see the sign at the gas station that says Do Not Pump More After This Thing Shuts Itself Off and you do anyway because what do THEY know and then all the gas you pumped in comes shooting back at you because what THEY knew was how your gas tank is pressurized and you end up dousing you, your car and everyone within a 5 mile radius with gas and when you start your car to leave before THEY yell at you, you blow the whole place up?

What I've learned: That's the blog section of my brain after two weeks with no computer. Do Not Overfill.

That reminds me: what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

I do remember that I wanted to mention that yes, we have one computer. And it's a laptop. We also don't own our house, drive 12 and 10 year old cars and I have exactly 4 bras. No one will ever blame Economegeddon on me.

(Truth be told, we have three computers. One has been dead for five years and one has been dead for one. At least they're not on cinderblocks on front of it house. YET.)

My whole point was that there's a light over at the Frankenstein place. I should have a computer again by early next week, and then y'all are IN FOR IT. If I can remember anything. Which, probably not.

Orange mocha frappucino, anyone?

Also, full.

Creamed - A Public Service Announement

Hi, this is Chris again.  It's "Chris Talkin." (I'm the only American I know who watches Corner Gas).

Anyways, I just received this beauty of an email from Mr. Lady, who's without computer for a little while:

"It's my harddrive. Which is quite dead. Now would be an excellent time to cream me on my blog. If you're into that sort of thing."

Innuendos aside -- oh that's going to be tough -- I thought I would go ahead give my geeky public service message about backing things up on your computer.

It is not if your computer crashes, it's when your computer crashes.  And you should be prepared for that event so it's not catastrophic but merely an annoyance while you catch up on DVR'd shows (Lost?  Antitrust?  Oh how I like Rachel Leigh Cook as a computer geek.)

Here goes...

FIRST:  Sign up for an online backup service.  It's way cheaper than your txt message plan.   They work one of two ways:  either you check off the folders you want to backup, or it creates a drive (like C:\ or F:\) where you can save your files.  And the rest is magic.  Your files will be safely and securely transferred to online storage where you can easily retrieve them from another computer or get them back after yours is rebuilt.  It's so easy your mom can do it.

I know people who use the following services and have been happy with them:

Make sure whichever service you choose automatically encrypts (protects) your files in case somebody evil gains access to them (all three services listed above do).

Speaking of evil, if you hate Rush Limbaugh then don't choose because they advertise on his show.  (Personally I kinda like El Rushbo, a fact which totally gets me laid at Tea Parties, weddings, and anywhere in Lubbock, TX)

Seriously though, this online backup stuff is super cheap and only takes a few mouse clicks (or clit tickles if you have a Dell or IBM laptop) to set up and it's so easy my 16 month old niece can do it.  Maybe not, but she can totally unlock my iPhone and scroll through pictures in the photo album.

[Mr. Lady should pay close attention to this item because I don't think she had a backup.  Scorch!]

SECOND:  All those cd's and pieces of paper that come with your computer?  Keep them.  Stuff them under the couch, in a drawer, or with your spouse's oil change records for as long as you have the computer.  If you're getting a used computer then make sure you get those disks from the previous owner.  If you no longer have the computer then you are safe to throw them away.  It's a mindless step, but it can save a bunch of time or money when you have to reinstall Windows or OS X.

THIRD:  Mac OS X and Windows Vista have pretty nice "time machine" or "restore" systems.  These basically take a snapshot of critical files which can be reapplied/reverted if the system files are corrupted.   I highly recommend you take a snapshot periodically because it there's a change it might save some trouble.

LAST:  If you have a computer for your kids, it will get toasted on a regular basis.  Save yourself some trouble and learn about Live CD's.  They are basically full computer systems on a CD -- no installation required.  Simply pop in the cd and turn her on.  The kids won't be able to break anything, and if something stops working then a simple reboot gets you back to a clean slate.  I like Knoppix because it's totally free and works well.  Edubuntu is for younger children and also looks interesting.

This concludes my public service message.  Happy porn surfing!