Entirely not appropriate

Today, I would like to share a post with you that I wrote just about a year ago today. Melissa as Such Simple Pleasures invites bloggers to re-post an old story from their archives on Saturdays. Here's my post from one year ago yesterday:

Today is the day one of my 157th* period. That number should be a lot higher, but I got to take of a lot of months off due to some fantastically awesome birth control, and a lot more months due to some fantastically failed birth control. Nursing took a chunk out of that number. So, in almost 19 years, I have pulled off only having to do this shit 157 times.

And after 19 long years of reproductivity, of mature womanhood, I have but one thing to say:

This shit still motherfucking sucks. I have a goddamn inner-tube of pain. Grrrr.

But, being National Compliment Day, I will be cheery and nice while I eat a whole carton of Bon Bons and chase it with a bag of the saltiest chips money can buy.


Wow, you are totally awesome. You are so funny and witty and nice. Did I mention cute? Dude, you are way smoking. The pants make you ass look fantastic! Did you do something different with your hair? New pomade? Are those highlights going on in there? Whatever it is, keep doing it for sure. You don't look a day over 28, seriously! And that thing you said the other day? Sheer poetry. You simply blow my mind. How did I ever get so lucky as to have you for a friend?

*Yes, I actually busted out a calculator for this post. Sad, isn't it? Any hobby suggestions?
Good to know that not much has changed in a year, huh?

Valentine's applications are still rolling in!

This is exactly why I have grey hair

Remember the other day when I got my shiny new carpets in? Remember how happy I was? How totally AWESOME it was? How I had such grand visions for the future of the basement?

Apparently, I am psychic.

This morning, my lovely, beautiful, darling daughter wanted to watch Babe. We toddled down the stairs to the basement and while she enjoyed her bowl of scrumptious blueberries, I searching in earnest for her movie. I aim to please. After 5 minutes of searching, I turned to her to tell her I couldn't find Babe and she would just have to suffer through Monsters Inc, and what did I spy with my little eye?

That chump had throw her blueberries all over the brand new almost white carpets and was making wine out of them.

Did you know that tiny little size 8 feet are the perfect size to extract ALL the gooey, blue, tannic juices from your berry of choice?

Now you do.

Day one

Just 6 days ago, I celebrated my third Blogoversary. I really meant to mention it, but I was a bit busy getting, oh, 1/3 of my house back. I guess I'm supposed to type a 100 things about me post, but really? 100? I tried that once and by the time I got to 33, I was talking about the direction my chin hair grows in. I'm just going to do you a favor and spare you all that.

I did, however, go back and read my very first post. Let me tell you, it's profound. Earth shattering. It's amazing that I didn't get picked up by some company looking for the World's Best Blogger right then and there. Wanna read it? Brace yourselves....

Well, this is my first official post.
Not much to say right now.
So hi, and see you soon!

Please, hold your applause. I'll be signing autographs at the end of the show.

Sometimes, when I find a blog that I particularly like, I go snooping. I don't read all the archives; I have been trying to read my OWN archives for a year straight now and haven't done it. Maybe I just bore myself. Bygones. I like to read the first posts people have written, however many years ago. Because I have nothing BETTER to do, that's why.

Anyway, in honor of my Happy 3rd, I thought I'd share some of my favorite first posts I had stumbled on. Some that are one bazillion times better than I could have ever pulled off.
  • Suburban Kamikaze. I do not talk about her enough over here. She is, hands down, the funniest mom blogger I have EVER read. Here's her very first post. It's the perfect demonstration of her, her writing, her family.
  • David. Zombyboy. My one true love. This shit makes my heart sing. I am fully aware that this is probably NOT David's first post, but it is the first one I could find aside from this page that I can't get a good link to, and it was exactly everything I'd hoped it would be.)
  • I was trying to pick a little quip out of Anne Nahm's first post for you to read, but my little quip turned into a rather large paragraph and so I flipped a coin. A heavily weighted coin. I "randomly" chose this:
    Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuckit. And poop-damn-fart. There. The gentle vibration you feel in your seat is my grandfather rolling in his grave.
    Anne, dude, don't you EVER change.
  • The last one I'm going to link you to is actually the catalyst for this whole post. Sometimes people start blogging with introductions, like I did. Sometimes, people swear. Sometimes, people just start talking. Kelly just started talking. Like we were all standing around the water cooler. The day I read this post was the day I got hooked into her blog. She could draw scribbles in Microsoft Paint every day if she wanted on her blog, and I would keep coming back, looking for another one of these:
    I never go anywhere without my cell phone. At work, the gym, the shower, the
    phone is always at my side. I'm waiting on a call. Not just any call. The call
    that will change everything. The call from our birthmother telling us that a son
    has been born.
    How's that for a first line? The whole post just gets better and better. I encourage you to go read it. It's beautiful.

If you all really have to have the 100 things posts, you are more than welcome to write 100 things about me and I will smack it straight in the sidebar. Just sayin'. ;)

Oh, I'm still looking for a Valentine, in case you're interested......

Um, I can't blog right now. I have to go chain up a girl so I can eat her kids.

Or maybe I could duct tape the kids together and make out with the girl.

Either way.

Before I go, I just want to tell y'all that you rock. You are funny. You are cracking me the hell up with this contest. I let my husband read my blog for the FIRST TIME EVER to show you all off. Also, a few of you need to talk to me more in-depth about what it is I am actually looking for in a one-night-stand Valentine. Lastly, a couple of you can expect restraining orders in you mailboxes soon.

Be mine

It's almost that time again. Valentine's Day. Could they have invented a stupider holiday, really? Anyway, in my house, Valentine's Day doesn't really happen. SOMEONE has a job that (lucky for him) forces him to work awwwl night long that night, and the kids and I eat chocolate dipped chocolate for dinner and then I drown my sorrows in a bottle of Johny Depp. It's alright; I'm used to it. But this year I want a Valentine, god damn it. There is no way I'll win The Retropolitan's contest (bastard riggs it against me every stinking year) and so I thought I'd open it up to you all.

Would you like to be MY Valentine? I'll understand if you decide to just go be Retro's (he's much cooler than I am) but if you think you'd like the job, you could have it in only a few, easy steps.

Below is a short questionnaire. Simply fill in the blanks. It's like Mad Libs for booty. Leave an ANONYMOUS comment* with your answers, and I will announce the top three** winning answers on February 1st.

There are no wrong answers here, kids. It's even ok if you don't fill in all the questions; I'm all about quality over quantity***.

The mostest awesomest three answers win my undying affection, a virtual smooch, and one rockin' Valentine's Day mix courtesy of Bit Torrent very legal iTunes downloads.

"Do you like ___________ and getting _________________?"

"I would _____________ - I'd ____________, Walk the wire for you - ya I'd ___________."

"I wanna _________________on the mountains, until the _____________________."

"I swear that I can ____________ in your ____________."

"What about ____, don't you want someone to ______________?"

And last but oh, no, not least:

"You're here in my _____, and my ____ will ____________."

*I like to play fair. Not-anonymous answers will not be counted, no matter how freaking cool they are.

**Yes, three. I would like 3 Valentine's. I need one for the 5:30-7:30 shift, the awkward, sober happy hour date. I need one for the 8-10 shift, the dinner and champagne in stilettos. I also require one for the 10:30 until god-knows-when shift, the "I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for this one" date. The CD's awarded will correspond appropriately.

***The line that was GOING to go there? You'd disown me for it. Just sayin'.