;)
I Give Myself Very Good Advice.....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 12:31PMSpeaking of being over-protective:
My son came walking across the bridge the other day exactly when I'd asked him to so that we could get out the door for an appointment. I shouted down from the deck that it was time to go and he should get a clean shirt on, and when he looked up at me I saw that he was almost but not quite crying.
He came upstairs and we sat down together and I asked what was wrong. He said that Older Liam had called him 'kid who plays with Barbies' in front of all the older kids. And then the tears came a'pouring down.
Older Liam lives across the street. Older Liam used to come over for sleepovers and dinners last year, but then he hit grade 4 or 5 or whatever he's in and decided it was high time to become an asshole. He doesn't come over anymore. One of his little thugsta' friends lives in our neighborhood and so he's around occasionally, riding his skateboard with all of our neighbor kids. He's a jerk, but a harmless jerk, and I don't worry about him too much because he knows that I have his mom's digits, so if I tell him to knock it off already, he usually listens.
He does, however, like to pick at my 2of3. Most thugsta's do. He's kind of easy pickings.
I have countless times had the talk with 2of3 about how some people have brown clouds around them (not to be confused with brain clouds, which are incurable except by long rides at sea on luggage and sex with Meg Ryan) and some people have rays of sunlight around them, and the people with brown clouds like to block out the sunshine, so it's best to just keep your sunshine as far away from them as you can. I have countless times told him that the only way he's going to get Older Liam to get off his back is to stop caring, that when he reacts, he makes Older Liam act more. I've explained to him a bazillion times that people who call names do so because they don't have any better weapons in their arsenal, and that smart people have much better ones, like intelligence. Like the ability to laugh at stupidity and walk away from it. Like the ability to look over their shoulder and say, "It must really suck to be so obtuse" and then go somewhere else. Because god knows, the nany-nany-boo-boo kids have no fucking clue what Obtuse means and the most fun way to stop an asshole in his tracks is to make him think for a second.
I'd much rather have an intellectual snob for a kid than a bully. Personal preference.
I decided when I saw 2of3 crying for the upteenth time over something Older Liam did that it was time for me to stop coaching and start fixing. So I got my shoes on and off we went.
I always bring him with me when I have to put out his fires. When he got mugged at the bus stop and the school did nothing to fix it, I let him stand right next to me when I found the kids who did it and scared them so bad one almost peed in his pants and the rest started out all, "Whatever, bitch" and ended up all, "Sorry, ma'am" because I want him to see that I will protect him, and I want him to see how to stand up to a jerk. Because god knows, no one ever showed me how to do it. So he and I started walking across the bridge together to go find Older Liam and Let. Him. Have. It. when I paused for just a second, thought really hard about what I was about to do, and for whom, and then asked him, "Dude, how about you tell me the whole story before I go do this."
He swore he had.
I glared at him.
He said No, really.
I said he better start in with the whole truth.
He sighed and said okay.
And then he told me his whole story about how some little "chubby" girl was riding her bike and Older Liam was making fun of her because she was wobbling on it and that he told Older Liam to stop teasing her and then Older Liam told him to shut up, kid who plays with Barbies, right in front of everyone.
Fair enough; time to put and end to this once and for-all. After much ado we found Older Liam across the street at the tennis courts with, you guessed it, Kid Who Mugged 2of3 Last Year. That explains a lot. So I call Older Liam over and he came over and I said, "Dude, you see that neighborhood right there (points to mine)? 2of3 lives there, you don't. You cannot come into his neighborhood and call him names and make him cry. Go find somewhere else to play from now on." And he starts in with the whole But he's and the I didn't's and I put my hand up and said, "Stop. I know what happened and you're not talking your way out of this one. This is our home. You can't play here anymore." And then he said, "But he chased me with a skateboard."
Enter the slow, painful glare of death towards my son.
You. Did. What?
No I didn't, mawwwwwm! Yes you did, 2of3! Nah uh! Uh huh!
And then Older Liam told me his whole story. That he'd been teasing the chubby girl on her bike and 2of3 told him to stop and he told him to shut up, kid who plays with barbies and then 2of3 came at him. With a skateboard.
Enter blue-screened, Matrix style head explosion.
And that's when I let 2of3 have it. Right in front of Older Liam, right in front of Kid Who Mugged Him at the Bus Stop, right in front of every neighborhood kid, because god knows they'd all gathered around to watch the mom get all up in the thugsta's grill. I may or may not have rather loudly informed him that I didn't appreciate being made to look like a asshole in a public forum, I may or may not have reminded him that dirty little self-serving liars get grounded until they go to military camp, I may or may not have had my finest parenting moment ever in front of a suburban tennis court.
I may or may not have over reacted slightly.
The other kids from our neighborhood chimed in that, in fact, Older Liam had initiated the whole thing and that he's always mean to 2of3 and that he totally had it coming. They backed their little dirty liar of a buddy up and said that Older Liam was the instigator, and that 2of3 was just standing up for himself the best he could. I don't think they much like Older Liam. So I turned back to Older Liam and said that I was sorry, that I thought I'd had the whole story, but that now that I do my argument still stands, that he just can't get along with 2of3 and since 2of3 lives here and he doesn't, he needed to find somewhere else to play from now on. He said okay with a very, very demonstrative eye roll.
And for the better part of the rest of this week, I am on possession of one shiny Nintendo DS that my kid can't so much as breath on. And I'm thinking it's high time I start following my own advice and letting him sink or swim all by himself.
Reader Comments (60)
Well, first, the "Joe vs. the Volcano" reference? I love you.
Second, he was defending the chubby girl and himself with the skateboard. That seems reasonable if Older Liam is also Bigger Liam. But I'm a big fan of the credo that if someone comes at you with a stick, you use a bigger stick and go right back.
It kinda sounds like Older Liam needed to be chased with a skateboard by SOMEONE, though!
You are one kick-ass mom, Mr. Lady!! When I grow up I want to be just like you. Oh wait, I'm already older than you, that won't work. How about this... When my kids grow up, I want to be just like you!
Rock on with your bad self!
how do you handle the "whatever bitch" comments without actually plucking out their eyeballs, force feeding said eyes to them, making sure they chew carefully and swallow?
WHY do kids do that??? My sons, when they were little, would do the same thing to me and girl let me tell you, talk about a protective mother! I would chew ass on a regular basis, and then find out the WHOLE truth and be so freaking mad I want to ring MY kid's neck.
Finally, after they got a certain age, I would say, "Handle it or don't play them anymore! When will you learn?"
Perhaps wrong, but I'd have probably chased Older Liam with a skateboard too.
Laughing. I don't remember this kind of drama when I was growing up. I guess it is much different with boys. Mine likes to play indoors mostly, so I wouldn't know how common this is.
You have to admire 2of3's spunk though even though he didn't tell you the whole story.
I would have chased him with a skateboard too...but I would have owned up to that part....oh and I WISH a kid would "whatever bitch" me...I won't hit the kid but I may or may not shake the shit out of them.
He sort of pushed you into a little pickle there, huh? Of course, you handled it the right way. And made me curse my own parenting abilities for thinking that I would pick up my own skateboard and chase Liam WITH my kid before I read your solution.
PS - I had to Google "obtuse". Off to go pick on some smaller dudes.
you're both awesome for standing up for people smaller than you.
It's true that I'm going to learn alot of parenting skills from you.
I like your realness.
and the fact that you dont take shit. from. anyone.
;)
p.s. i know you got a shiny new SLR... check out the new scrapbooks.etc photography mag that just came out...i'm finding it MEGA helpful.
~A
My favorite part is how you saved face with the skateboard part - telling the thuggy kid#1 that you didn't know the whole story but now that you do, same ending. I also liked how you chewed your kid up and down for not sharing the whole story when he had the chance - it's even better that you did it publicly, cuz now your kid knows you won't slink away and the other kids know you got an ounce of fairness to your decisions. That's going to hold a lot of weight in the next few years!
This whole story filled me with large amounts of anxiety! Through the whole thing.
You're blog is hands down one of my favorites. It's the first thing I click on in my Reader in the mornings. I'm so bummed that your RSS feed has shrunken. Normally I just unsubscribe without a peep. But i LOVE your blog. Any chance of you changing your feed back to full posts?
Hilarious! (sorry.)
It was a lesson that would have been learned by both of you at one point or another; this day was the point, I guess.
Bittersweet in some ways though, isn't it?
Makes me glad Declan is only stealing Sharpies in the middle of the night.
Best. birth control. ever. LOL! (Until I read someone's blog about their sweet, precious, yummy, new baby that is.)
Way to go, Mr. Lady! Have fun with your new Nintendo!
I'd be terrified if I was that bully. I would not want to mess with you. Dang. You'd think 2 of 3 would have figured that out by now...
Ya done good.
You obviously have given him the "tools" he needed to handle this, and he did - it may very well be time to let him go "free range" and see how he does.
http://pamsangleofrepose.blogspot.com/2009/05/free-range-kids.html
I am so not looking forward to these aspects of having older kids.
So far S is just the kid who accidentally annoys all the other kids at the playground.
Oooohhhhh! I hate that. Girl bullying is different, not as much chasing with skateboards, more "Mommy, what's a slut?" but I have such a hard time with this. My default stance is, I'll commiserate, I'll give you an outlet, I'll listen to you whine and I'll give you advice, but I won't fight your battles. But sometimes... You just can't help yourself, you know.
Also, good for him for taking up for the little girl. I've been that girl and I would have devoted my first born to a little boy with a skateboard like 2of3.
I read this and think, "You mean parenting is going to get HARDER as my kids get older?" Damn. I better hurry about and grow up first.
Sigh, isn't hindsight always 20/20?
You have a super cool kid, and I think you're an awesome Mom.
All I can say is I am so glad I haven't had to deal with this yet. And I am afraid of the day when I will. The preschool arguments are very tame in comparison. Plus my oldest child is a girl, which changes things a little.
Next time just teach him how to run faster with a skateboard in his hands so he catches him. Problem solved.
OOOHHHH that's a tough one. You handled it well momma...very well.
Are you playing with the DS in front of him...cause that would totally rock...cause that's what I do...
This made me laugh 'cause I can totally see myself doing this.
I think your son was a very brave boy and seems to be able to stand up for himself well. Let him at it!!
You are awesome.
2of3 is awesome.
Totally inappropriate but I'm glad 2of3 stood up for himself, even it was with the intent to maim. And? He stood up for a chubby girl. *heart=melt* Love the way you handled it. I think mine is on his way to becoming easy pickings too despite all our conversations on not being a pushover.
Can I call you for tips when my kids find themselves in this situation? I love my sensitive caring kind boy, but I fear he's gonna take some abuse in his time. I need to figure out how to help him without beating the crap out of the other kid.
There is a fine line between teaching them to stick up for themselves and showing them your 'momma lion'. I haven't found that balance.
Mostly because my sons are young, but partially because my 5 year old handles it himself before we need to step in. Part of me hopes he will always be like that.
I think it's very healthy for kids to see their parents lose their shit. As needed, on a regular basis.
i have that kid who doesn't tell the whole story.
and it's going to be a bear getting him through elementary school.
he's fought with boys AND girls, like physical fights yo.
granted all the girls are taller than him as he is v. tiny but seriously.
it's so hard to parent period. my childhood is marked by parents not really standing up for me in the best of ways. sad really.
The shit you come up with on the fly blows my mind. It seems you do know how to talk to kids which is one amazing trait .... I usually find myself just stumbling over myself when I'm talking to a 8-year-old trying to make some point....and what is my point exactly?
But yeah, sink or swim. That's tough. But really do we ever ever get the whole story??
what movies have you been watching Red? " Obtuse"...I will have to remember that one. O' and I think I might have chased liam too with the skateboard! Kids really say "whatever bitch" can't wait till that day! lol
...and sex with Meg Ryan! Where did that come from? Child, I'm still in tears. You have such a way.
I have story you're not going to like. When I was in high school a guy in my class pulled a knife on my brother. On that day it happened to also be my junior year prom night. When my brother told me, I left my bedroom with only my tux pants and shirt on and marched myself to this guys house down the street, walked through his front door, didn't even knock and beat the shit out of him in front of his parents. I hit him so hard with a left jab I tore open his right eye socket. He was bleeding like a stuck pig. His parents were screaming at me and he crawled under the kitchen table and begged me not to him again. I did.
I had few problems with any of the people on my block after that. In fact, lots of folks walked across the street to avoid me. Okay with me. I saw his older brother the next day and gave him a prescription too. He went home with street concrete in his face. In stayed on his back for a long time.
Srsly.
I don’t make any time for negotiations.
how cute is this story! I'm proud of you though for wanting the TRUTH from both sides. I does somehow in a weird way to teach your son honesty.
PS: Of course, I was raised by wolves. Your approach might be a little better.
2 of 3 is a hero. His heart is in the right place. You did the right thing but damn do I have so much fucking respect for him right now.
Since I will likely have to deal with something similar all too soon, do any of your children ever get picked on more when you stand up for them?
I agree with Jim - 2 of 3 was sticking up for another child. Weird how our protective instincts come out when someone else is teased even when we don't stand up for ourselves, isn't it? I think it just shows he was raised right - with respect and empathy and compassion for others! I too have children who don't tell the whole story and have had the matrix style head explosion when standing up for them. Sucks at the time but underneath it, I am pretty sure that it gives our kids a warm fuzzy feeling way down deep inside to know we have their backs - even if they won't admit it under penalty of punishment or beat down.
I am pretty sure I love you by the way and I mean that in a totally freaky stalkerish way! :D
Could you tell 2of3, to call me next time he has beef with Older Liam, I'll come down there and personally kick his raggady ass! You are an incredible mom Mr. Lady!
Hey, there isn't one right or wrong way to handle that situation. You stuck up for him and he knows you've got his back. But he also knows you dont' tolerate lying and that is an even better lesson to learn.
Brain Clouds... heh heh. I liked that movie. It was so... cheesy.
You're the scary mom I hope I have the balls to be.
I blame the parents...
My kid never tells the whole story the first time around.
I like the way you handled it. Put both kids in their places. And the DS is fun. I've been in possession of my son's a few times.
I am so glad that my kid is likely going straight from grade one to medical school.
Well, I for one think you both rock...I can totally understand why 2 of 3 would've gone after Liam (right or wrong) but I would've been pissed if my kid lied to me about what happened too...you're awesome! I'm totally going to copy this scenario if the need arises.
The problem with dealing with bullies is there is a very fine line between when adult intervention is necessary and just letting the kids learn how to handle things themselves. And I'm totally with you on finding all the facts first before taking action, NOTHING I hate worse than going off on a situation without the full details and ending up looking like an asshole. Which is why I insist on all details with the warning that if anything critical was left out and I find out (which WILL happen) then there will be hell to pay. Triple the hell if your BS story makes me look bad dealing with the situation. I know you don't need to hear this from me, but you were 100% right in how you dealt with this situation, including your kid. I do award him points for sticking up for someone else that may have needed it, even though he loses most of them for how he handled the aftermath.