;)
On the High Dive
Monday, April 14, 2008 at 5:40PMA decade ago today, my whole life changed.
I think, in hindsight, I was probably too young and too naive for such a change, but I asked for it, and hot damn did I ever get it. As of 11:20-something on April 14th, 1998, almost two weeks past when it was "due" to happen, not one thing about me has remained unchanged.
And thank god for that.
Everything I thought I loved, everything I imagined meant any little thing to me, is long gone. Every vinyl album, every trinket of my past, every book I've ever wanted to read, or movie I wanted to watch, every man I've ever loved; none of it really matters all that much.
I still really like solitude. I just grew accustomed to living without it. I still really like books and movies. I just look at them like little treats now. I still really, REALLY love being in love, and the whole dance that goes with it, but I have learned that this love, this little boy, is so much more and better and grand than anything I will ever know otherwise.
I held a tiny person in my arms, under my chin, to my chest and in my lap, and I dreamed. I dreamed of first birthdays and bike rides. I dreamed of trick or treats and kindergarten. I never dreamed of today, of this, of a decade. I couldn't; it was too far away, like trying to picture the infinity of space. Even now when it's here upon me, I cannot fathom the fact that it's been 10 years. That I have kissed his sweet face and tucked him into his bed 3,650 times. That I have spent (almost) every single day with him and have witnessed every step, every inch of growth, both inside and out. That little baby, who's voice I tried to imagine when I closed my eyes at night, now speaks of things I never knew, of interests that are not from me but of his own yearning to learn.
He is trying to separate from me now, wanting independence and responsibility and relationships outside our family. He wants so much to be his own man, and yet, in tiny little ways, he still needs his momma, even though he'd never admit it. When he realizes that he left every stinking Gameboy game he owns in the car and now they're gone, he doesn't go to his room to cry. He comes to me still. He buried his head in my lap and he sobs while I rub his curly little head. He still sits on the kitchen stool while I make him a little chocolate something to ease the sadness. He still lets me brush his teeth every once and a while, still lets me help pick out his outfits and tie his shoes...he is still my baby, if only for a little while more.
I never thought I wanted this. I never thought I could do this. Ten years, one decade later, I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life, because I realize today that this was the only full decade I will ever get with him. The next time we hit this mark, he'll be busily pursuing a degree or a career or a girl. He won't be under my roof. He won't share the early hours in the morning with me before the rest of the family gets up. He'll be his own, and will have achieved the independence that he is fighting for right now, and I don't want to imagine life without this. Without him. He is the greatest thing I have ever done, and he has changed and reshaped me more than any other person or thing could ever hope to.
And I don't just mean like this.
Reader Comments (79)
this? is fan-freaking-tastic.
and every bit of the reason that i love you so much.
the planet of janet's last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/04/fun-monday-double-nickels-edition.html' rel="nofollow">Fun Monday: the double-nickels edition
This post makes me want to be a Mom. And I don't say that very often.
:)
sizzle's last blog post..http://sizzlesays.wordpress.com/2008/04/14/no-rest-for-the-weary-2/' rel="nofollow">No Rest For the Weary
I love you.
I can't even fanthom having a 10 year old. And I only imagine how hard it must be for you to realize that in another 10 years he might not be under your roof. Happy birthday to you both.
ohmommy's last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/04/i-shook-hands-with-miss-maple-syrup.html' rel="nofollow">I shook hands with Miss Maple Syrup 2008!!!
fathom.
ohmommy's last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/04/i-shook-hands-with-miss-maple-syrup.html' rel="nofollow">I shook hands with Miss Maple Syrup 2008!!!
You continue to outdo yourself.
Diane's last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/04/foreclosures.html' rel="nofollow">Foreclosures
Thanks for the sharing of perspective again. Thanks for the reminder that they change us in immeasurable ways. Thanks for the nudge to go spend time with them because this is such a fleeting moment. Thanks for the beautiful prose and the tears. Thanks.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/KeepBelieving/~3/270124918/becoming-established-miracle-monday.html' rel="nofollow">Becoming Established
Beautiful. Happy birthday to your little man.
What a beautiful post! And you'll never get shit from me because I have a few pictures of my own that I'm pretty sure would put yours to shame...maybe I'll share one next week. I gained 75 pounds so I feel your pain.
Tammy's last blog post..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/04/ooo-ooo-ooo-ive-been-tagged-my-first.html' rel="nofollow">7 MORE things....
Awe, that was darling. I think you look great for just having a kid, you don't want to see my pics, well okay, I will show them to YOU.
Happy Birthday 1of3!
Is it just me or are all of the kiddos b-days within 2 months of something? It seems you're having b-days every few weeks...
Huckdoll's last blog post..http://huckdoll.blogspot.com/2008/04/hipbaby-nerd.html' rel="nofollow">Hipbaby Nerd
You are glorious. And your small man is lucky to have you as a mom.
daysgoby's last blog post..http://jessalogic.blogspot.com/2008/04/jack-sparrow-be-not-proud.html' rel="nofollow">a tale of a pirate, a mountain, and fruity drinks
Wow. Don't know what else to say. My oldest will be 11 in May, and while I have often had very similar thoughts, I could never get them out of my head the way you just did. Wow.
NukeDad's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Nuclearfamilywarheadcom/~3/269469979/' rel="nofollow">The Hiney Pad Caper
That is the most beautiful boy, and post-partum mom.
The honesty (bravery?) in that showing that photo? Buys you so much blogging karma that you could snark and f-bomb thru about a gadzillion posts, my friend.....
The guy beside you......donor? He looks so tiny. Dwarfed by the strength of your femininity?
christy's last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/04/elias-therapy-not-eliass-therapy.html' rel="nofollow">Elias Therapy (Not Elias'S Therapy)
You said it all so wonderfully. Happy bday to him. Much love!
Ashley Sanders's last blog post..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/04/14/new-beginnings/' rel="nofollow">New Beginnings
I love how much you love your kids. It shows :)
janethesane's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/YouSeeWhatYouWantToSee/~3/268720020/embarassing-moment-for-amanda.html' rel="nofollow">Embarassing Moment - For Amanda
Happy birthing day, beautiful one. Hope your 10 year old has a great day.
That was so beautifully written...
tiff's last blog post..http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/04/home-again-home-again-lickety-split/' rel="nofollow">Home again, home again, lickety split!
Gorgeous post -- this one and the one before made me cry. I'd never thought about having only that first decade all to myself. My firstborn will be 18 in less than two months, and when I think of how little time we have left together my bones ache. You are so wise to realize what a gift you still have, and to treasure it as you so clearly do. Thank you for sharing your talent and wisdom with us.
Betsy Bird's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/EmptyingOurNest/~3/270401901/emily-latella-goes-to-work.html' rel="nofollow">Emily Latella Goes to Work
Wow.
I am sure we all looked wonderful after giving birth. The only ones that do are on soap opera's or lifetime movies. Get real, that IS real.
I thought your hubby was a priest in that pic I was all WTF is her priest doing in bed with her like that?
BWA HA HA HA HA!!
See, you don't surprise me anymore!
Happy Birthday Mr. Lady's baby boy! Here's to at least 10 more decades!
Kay's last blog post..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-news-and-bad-news.html' rel="nofollow">Good news and bad news
Aww. That's lovely!
SarahO's last blog post..http://scatslemonlife.blogspot.com/2008/04/tales-of-darkside.html' rel="nofollow">Tales of the Darkside.
i have nothing to say that other people didn't. cept, seriously? you wore white pajamas at a hospital after giving birth? are you crazy?
happy birfday, 1of3.
zoeyjane's last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/04/11/its-child-abuse-awareness-month/' rel="nofollow">It's Child Abuse Awareness Month
You have officially earned the crown for Queen of the Birthday Posts. With each one you outdo yourself. That was truly special. Happy Birthday, 1of3, and I hope you enjoyed your cake this morning. Mmm, chocolate at breakfast. You're a good momma.
Latte Mommy's last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/04/overheard-at-my-house.html' rel="nofollow">Overheard at My House...
Dang. If my kid's birthday post was a piece of paper, I'd crumple it up and start over. How do you write this stuff? Alas, I cannot crumple my post and I am about one sentence away from finishing it and it is 30 minutes from his birthday so you get what you get and don't get upset. Beautiful stuff, all around.
BusyDad's last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/the-return-of-iron-chef-fury-kitchen-stadium-showdown.html' rel="nofollow">The Return of Iron Chef Fury: Kitchen Stadium Showdown
what a beautiful post :)
Happy Birthday to your not so little man!
Marylin's last blog post..http://alittlespaceforme.com/2008/04/14/nothing-to-say/' rel="nofollow">Nothing to say?
WOW! Great post!! My little one will be 5 and I can hardly imagine that - I can't bare to comprehend 10 right now.
BTW - You looked FABULOUS!!
Darla's last blog post..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/04/ugh-monday.html' rel="nofollow">UGH Monday
So beautiful.
Veronica's last blog post..http://somedaywewillsleep.com/?p=648' rel="nofollow">Our Wildlife
wonderful post. Made me want to go home and get my nine year old.
Jennifer's last blog post..http://jenniferhast.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-have-announcement.html' rel="nofollow">I Have An Announcement!
You did a great job with this post.
I am about to reach that 16 year mark, so hard to believe.
Penelope Anne aka The Mama Bear's last blog post..http://cafeendofuniverse.blogspot.com/2008/04/wwc-4-close-up-or-background.html' rel="nofollow">WWC #4 ~ Close-up or Background
Kuddos to you for your bravery in sharing the raw thoughts and feelings so many of us struggle to make peace with! While I am half a decade behind you in facing this type of recognition, I can still appreciate it for what it is.
Thank you.
Kimmelin's last blog post..http://kimmelinhull.blogspot.com/2008/04/celebration-of-motherhood.html' rel="nofollow">Celebration of Motherhood
Wow - hadn't thought of that whole thing about it being the only decade we get with them!
April's last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/04/just-rant.html' rel="nofollow">Just a Rant
Now my eyes are having trouble again, watery stuff. That was awesome and sweet and wonderful and fabulous.
Maggie's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MaggiesMind/~3/270542196/free-advice.html' rel="nofollow">Free Advice
Absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
Y's last blog post..http://www.joyunexpected.com/archives/2008/04/not_a_photographer.php' rel="nofollow">Not a Photographer
Because it's probably going to be a while until I can write anything worth reading anytime soon......
I think you should go read this post. p.s. If you truly believe that I'm a "fraud" who only posts stories to "boost my ratings," then it's probably best that you stop coming to read my fraudulent postings, yes? Just......
This is possibly the most beautiful post I have ever read. I have never read your blog until today....what a great find!
Patti's last blog post..http://pyiprivatei.blogspot.com/2008/04/wanted-dead-or-alive.html' rel="nofollow">Wanted: Dead or Alive
As the mother of two teenage boys(17 and 19) you are very wise to enjoy the time you have with your son now. I still get sad remembering when my boys were younger, still liked me, and still hugged.
JaniceNW's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TwistSkewer/~3/270341828/rhyming-with-tip.html' rel="nofollow">Rhyming With Tip
Beautiful!! Gosh, your love for this little man is amazing! How do they do this to us?
amy's last blog post..http://amysbratpack.blogspot.com/2008/04/amy-in-city.html' rel="nofollow">Amy in the City
Stories like this give me hope for the future of humanity, because moms like you are obviously doing such a good job of loving your kids up.
Happy 1st decade!
Suebob's last blog post..http://redstapler23.blogspot.com/2008/04/they-are-called-games-for-reason.html' rel="nofollow">They are called "Games" for a reason
found you via Y at Joy Unexpected...
this was a lovely post. my own son just turned two and i'm totally awed by it all. i cannot even imagine ten! happy birthday to him...and happy birth day to you.
liz's last blog post..http://hilaritiesensue.com/blog2/2008/04/14/in-the-air/' rel="nofollow">in the air
Aw, you GLOWED girl! I haven't shown my "post birth" pics to many people either, especially the one where I was in a morphine-induced haze (didn't even recognize the hubby) they dropped on me when the epidural failed during the c-section.
I have an 8 and 10 year old. I so understand. I can't believe a decade has passed. My first baby is 5 ft tall & wears a BRA! (screams) Not a trainer, mind you, one with band & cup sizes. BRA!
This next decade will pass by even faster I fear.
You get me. Right. Here. *thumps chest*
anne nahm's last blog post..http://annenahm.com/?p=414' rel="nofollow">Inability to Manshop - Probably Also How Marilyn Monroe Ended up in that Video
I want to kick you. I am crying in my office. That was beautiful. The part where this was the "that this was the only full decade I will ever get with him" it what got the water works started.. How true that is.. how fast it all goes.
Happy Birthday to your little man.
PS. I gained 69 pounds with my first. I looked like Violet when she ate the gum.
Kim's last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/4/15/all-inclusive-breast-augmentation-top-shelf-liquor-included.html' rel="nofollow">All-Inclusive Breast Augmentation - Top Shelf Liquor Included
Your posts continue to enlighten me, thanks for the sneak peak into your world.
Steph's last blog post..http://whalenmom.blogspot.com/2008/04/tuesday-toot_15.html' rel="nofollow">Tuesday Toot
O.M.G. I should NOT have read that post. At least not otuside of the privacy of my own home with a huge box of tissue sitting next to me. My son will be 11 in just over a month. And never once did I consider the significance of the first decade. I'm going to go home and hug him tightly. And probably cry just a bit more - which will make him roll his eyes and say "Mooom!" then "SO what's for dinner?"
Indygirl's last blog post..http://indygirl06.blogspot.com/2008/04/just-peachy-thanks.html' rel="nofollow">Just peachy thanks
People always say how hard it is to be a mother, which it is. I have four, my oldest two gone from the house and it was the HARDEST thing about being a mother. I still worry about my boys, miss them, and hope they are okay. When my first girl leaves the house, I think I may go insane with worry and grief. I made my now five year old to NEVER leave me!!!!!!
My kids are still young. That's what I say. But really my oldest is too close to 5. You make me realize that is goes to fast. It's over before we know it. Enjoy his birthday, and the man he is becoming.
AMy's last blog post..http://seibelblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/weekly-winners-day-at-park.html' rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners: A Day at the Park
I can't understand the sentiment but the skill in your words takes me pretty close.
Bravo.
Xbox4NappyRash's last blog post..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/04/and-here-is-opening-to-your-uterus.html' rel="nofollow">"And here is the opening to your uterus"
what a brilliantly written ode to your son!
mine will be ten early next year and i am already tearing up when i think about it.
missy wiggins's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/RevelationsOfMissy/~3/270951683/once-upon-time.html' rel="nofollow">once upon a time...
Gak!!! The "this was the only full decade I will ever get with him" line just jumped RIGHT OFF the screen and hit me in the gut. Gulp.
Momo Fali's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/270671408/sleep-is-overrated.html' rel="nofollow">Sleep Is Overrated
My last post ended with "Seven is a third of the way to 21". You're is much more poignant and eloquent. Thank you.
Fabulous! Happy Birthday and I love how you tell of coming into your own.
What a great tribute to your son! Happy Birthday to him and to you! "...this was the only full decade I will ever get..." My daughter will be 19 in a couple months and she is moving into her own apartment in the fall. I don't think I'll get to her second decade either.
Tara R.'s last blog post..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/04/15/she-is-too-fond-of-books-and-it-has-turned-her-brain/' rel="nofollow">She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain