If You Cared, You'd Have Held an Intervention By Now

Thankfully, this is the last time I am going to subject you to an American idol post. Here we go...

David V David. TO THE DEATH. I bet David Archuleta would eat David Cook's raw, beating heart right after he ripped it from his chest. Kind of like Marilyn Manson in Celebrity Death Match, the video game, just wearing more neutrals. Archie has some aggressions pent up in that little earth-toned, color coordinated package.

Speaking of which, what gives with the shoulder pads, Archie? Seriously, dude. You look like you're auditioning for Tootsie.

Okay, the competition: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For? Pshaw. Cook found it, and then some. He just won the show. Period. I can't wait until he has a record deal and can stop doing the ballad-esque big note endings. Grrr.

Whaa? Aside: Paula really needs to stop shopping in the Junior's section of JCPenny's. And step away from the Bedazzler.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me is one of those songs so easily Mariah Carey'd (you know what I mean, with the aaahhhahAHHH ahaha's).  I think I figured out what annoys me about Archuleta. It's the theater face. The Musical Theater face. I KNOW that face. It makes me want to hit people.

He should have gospeled that song. He could have blown it out of the water if he'd went gospel. He didn't. Oh well. The judges love it, I am meh.

So I Think I Can Criticize Aside: So You Think You Can Dance is Coming. And I am seriously happy about that.

Round Two:

Straight to the Aside Aside: Remember Season One? When they weren't pompous asses about this whole AI thing? Me too, dude. Me too.

David Cook finally got to end a song like a man. Thank you sweet little baby Jesus.

Wow Aside: I get nervous smoking cigarettes in public, and there sits Paula Abdul, cracked out of her fucking mind, for all the world to see. Girl's got balls, yo.

David Archuleta will sell many, many Top 40 albums, and I will be forced by my children to buy them all. God help me.

Randy needs some new material aside: Next year, I'm doing a Randy Buzz Word pool. How many times will he say _____? I'll need a corporate sponsor. Any takers?

Round Three:

This is the round I was most excited for. Until David Cook said Collective Soul's The World I Know. Now, if he'd said Run by Collective Soul? That would have rocked. This is perhaps their least compelling song in my humble opinion, but I have to say that he did a fine job with it. A damn fine job, indeed. I felt that, dawg.

I am a gigantic wuss aside: The tears he shed after this song? Yeah, I might have a little trouble un-sticking myself from this seat.

David Archuleta is singing Imagine. This had better be brilliant...

Well, um. He can just turn anything into a pop song, can't he?

Paging Warbrode aside: I wear jackets a lot because I am totally tubby and they help cover it up. I think he does, too. That is all.

And, for the record, I didn't agree with Simon once tonight. Which is weird.

Seacrest, out.