And I Still Haven't Seen Lost Yet

The best thing about having sick kids is when they're still too little to take all of their medicine and so they're up at holy-shit-o'-clock in the morning wrapped around you telling fever induced stories in their raspy voice with their sick breath.

Like last night, when 3of3 convinced me to let her just get into my bed already at 2:30 in the morning after I'd been up until 1:30 anyway writing an American Idol recap for MamaPop (eastern time is cruel and unusual punishment).  I drug her into bed with me and she wrapped her little arms around my head and said, "I wuv ooo, mama" and I said, "sigh" and then she said through her little sniffly nose, "goo-ight, mama" and I said, "Indeed" and then the fever hit her brain and she started telling me about spiderman coming down to bite her and how she punched him and she kicked him and then Eggman fought him and she beat him so he snuggled her and was her friend.

The kid plays way too much Sonic the Hedgehog.

Anyway, I'm beyond tired, my kid's sick, and my recap is up.  Please to enjoy.

I'm Bringing Culottes Back

I've been trying to decide if I should do American Idol recap posts or not this season.  After a long, internal debate with myself that wasn't nearly as naughty as it sounds, I came to the conclusion that I do indeed enjoy watching trainwrecks and so American Idol Season Eight and me are on like Donkey Kong.

Last night's recap is up at MamaPop, and I'll be bringing down the collective IQ with recaps for the whole rest of the season.

If You Cared, You'd Have Held an Intervention By Now

Thankfully, this is the last time I am going to subject you to an American idol post. Here we go...

David V David. TO THE DEATH. I bet David Archuleta would eat David Cook's raw, beating heart right after he ripped it from his chest. Kind of like Marilyn Manson in Celebrity Death Match, the video game, just wearing more neutrals. Archie has some aggressions pent up in that little earth-toned, color coordinated package.

Speaking of which, what gives with the shoulder pads, Archie? Seriously, dude. You look like you're auditioning for Tootsie.

Okay, the competition: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For? Pshaw. Cook found it, and then some. He just won the show. Period. I can't wait until he has a record deal and can stop doing the ballad-esque big note endings. Grrr.

Whaa? Aside: Paula really needs to stop shopping in the Junior's section of JCPenny's. And step away from the Bedazzler.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me is one of those songs so easily Mariah Carey'd (you know what I mean, with the aaahhhahAHHH ahaha's).  I think I figured out what annoys me about Archuleta. It's the theater face. The Musical Theater face. I KNOW that face. It makes me want to hit people.

He should have gospeled that song. He could have blown it out of the water if he'd went gospel. He didn't. Oh well. The judges love it, I am meh.

So I Think I Can Criticize Aside: So You Think You Can Dance is Coming. And I am seriously happy about that.

Round Two:

Straight to the Aside Aside: Remember Season One? When they weren't pompous asses about this whole AI thing? Me too, dude. Me too.

David Cook finally got to end a song like a man. Thank you sweet little baby Jesus.

Wow Aside: I get nervous smoking cigarettes in public, and there sits Paula Abdul, cracked out of her fucking mind, for all the world to see. Girl's got balls, yo.

David Archuleta will sell many, many Top 40 albums, and I will be forced by my children to buy them all. God help me.

Randy needs some new material aside: Next year, I'm doing a Randy Buzz Word pool. How many times will he say _____? I'll need a corporate sponsor. Any takers?

Round Three:

This is the round I was most excited for. Until David Cook said Collective Soul's The World I Know. Now, if he'd said Run by Collective Soul? That would have rocked. This is perhaps their least compelling song in my humble opinion, but I have to say that he did a fine job with it. A damn fine job, indeed. I felt that, dawg.

I am a gigantic wuss aside: The tears he shed after this song? Yeah, I might have a little trouble un-sticking myself from this seat.

David Archuleta is singing Imagine. This had better be brilliant...

Well, um. He can just turn anything into a pop song, can't he?

Paging Warbrode aside: I wear jackets a lot because I am totally tubby and they help cover it up. I think he does, too. That is all.

And, for the record, I didn't agree with Simon once tonight. Which is weird.

Seacrest, out.

Oops, I did it again.

American Idol, man. It's killing me over here.

David Archuleta is not old enough, sexy enough, clever enough or broken enough to sing And So It Goes. THIS is exactly why I hate Michael Bubblytoes or whoever the fuck he is. STOP. KILLING. GOOD. SONGS. George Michael is out of your league, and Billy Joel sure-the-hell is out of everyone's league. He's out of Billy Joel's league anymore. (This song and me have some history, can you tell?)

Creepy aside: Did Paula say she wanted to exploit David's something? She's gotta stop huffing the Aquanet. He's TWELVE, dude.

Syesha Mercado is singing Alicia Keys because Randy asked her to, after he's spent 5 seasons telling people to stop bothering trying to sing Alicia, Whitney or Kelly Clarkson. Randy clearly hates Syesha and wants her to lose. Maybe so he can get David into the New New Kids on the Block. First album? Not Hangin' Just Yet.

Ouchie aside: Go look. You know you wanna. The caption on his Facebook pictures says, "The 3:36pm model has significantly less trunk space than the 3:45pm model." Now you have to look.

David Cook just got podiddled in the humnashmurna by Simon. Awesome. (I think he's gonna rock it.) The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face is a great song, and I don't care who says what. I wish he's sang it A Capella; I think that would have been his Bo Bice moment, but I think I'd still let him see my boobies.

I like to make up words aside: Really, do I have to translate that?

Dear David Archuleta: You may not use Prime Time TV to audition for the Gay Christian Pop Rockers Kidz Bop. Or Up With People. Thank you. Signed, the Not 8-16 year old demographic.

Message for you, sir aside: Ted Haggard called for you, David. He'd like to schedule an appointment with you. ASAP.

Syesha Mercado is doing what? Singing Fever? Now, David Cook could've Torn That Shit Up, but she was just meh. Nice legs though. VERY nice legs.

David Cook is up again (and his hair gets better every show, don't you think? Also, puuuuuuur) with some song I don't know (which is hard to pull of, yo) and might not win American Idol, but is going to be David Archuleta's first single on the Gay Christian Pop Rockers Kidz Bop album coming out for Christmas next year.

Clarification aside: I have nothing, at all, against gay people, christian people, rockers, kids or bop. Well, maybe a little something against bop.

David Archuleta is on my shit list, officially. What the fuck? Didn't Dan die? Couldn't they have buried Longer with him?

*ahem* aside: Dear god, will some contestant please sing the phone book already? Just to make the judges stop saying it? I would pay you, dawg.

Syesha Mercado makes unfortunate song choices, but excellent brassiere choices.

Neurotic aside: Black jeans make my skin crawl. ON EVERYONE. So do shorts. Just sayin'.

David Cook is covering Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. I will marry and have tiny little babies with the first person who shows up at my house with an actual, vintage Aerosmith tshirt. It's the ONE thing I want before I die. That said, David has and could have done much better with this song. And that makes me cry a little inside.

Whaaa? aside: Paula's crack kicked in halfway through the show. She went from zero to EEEEKKKKSHREEEEEEKKKMUMBLE in less than 60. Impressive.

Kindly linked by the Unsinkable Zombyboy and Laskigal.