God, I Hope This Leads to Some Bikini Mud Wrestling

Free stuff time, boys and girls. I know it's not as cool as Joeprah's Camera giveaway or anything, but school supplies are important, too. For a refresher; EZ School Supplies has given me a pack of supplies to give away, and is also offering 10% off school supplies for the upcoming school year ordered through this site.

I know I said I was going to have a popular vote for the winner, but I lied. There are 41 entries, and I am a lazy summbitch. So, I ran the numbers through a randomizer and voila! Out popped the number 18.
This one isn’t funny. I had a BIG fight with some stay-at-home mom’s I was jogging with (I was working part-time then, just as a reference point) and they were saying horrible things about the moms that worked and didn’t help volunteer.

(I was a meager volunteer myself, by their standards and probably was getting defensive, to be honest.)

But I was defending the working moms against these privileged PTA Nazis, saying that some people CAN’T ask off an afternoon for a party, or they’re single moms, too tired at night, or….then I said to one girl whose hubs is a big time lawyer here, “Hey, why doesn’t Mark take off an afternoon to volunteer?”

She says, without irony, “Oh, he couldn’t do that!”

My blood pressure was probably almost deadly after that…

Funny thing was, that was one of my favorites.  But, and of course there is a but, that was actually my second favorite entry. My first favorite was this:
I like the look of that bottle of prozac on the side of your blog. Will you send me that as well if I tell you about the P&C president who slept her way to the top?
No, it wasn’t me.

True story. In the end the school mothers discovered that she had slept with all of the school fathers and ran her out of town. I LOVE living in the boonies of Australia.

That one I actually told to my husband. And eerily enough, when I hit the Again! button on the randomizer (because you know I sat here for a full 20 minutes just refreshing and refreshing. Also, I am easily distracted by shiny things) the very second number it kicked out was #1. Which is the number of that comment.

And while we're at it, here's my third favorite:
OK. You ready. Sure?
Mothers Day stall. I was vice president of the PTA only because no one wanted the bitch with her head so far up the principals arse any where NEAR some sort of ‘position of authority’.

Some bint decides she is gunna make stuff for the stall. I tell her that some of her costs can be reimbursed but she has to call Bitch From Hell to find out. Bint doesn’t call BFH and hands me a BILL for a HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS! I take it to BFH going WTF? And she pays it.

Oh, OK then. THEN I get called to the principals office to explain why *I* have cost the school so much money. Um, huh? Turns out BFH told the school board that I was going around spending all the PTA money. Oh yes she fucking did! AUTHORITIES were called in. I had to explain while BFH stood smugly. Long story short, PTA was disbanded, blamed on me and now BFH does ALL the fund-raising etc on her own. Just like she wanted…

Apparently, I just need to move to Australia where all the cool shit happens.

As much as I am dying to have MomoFali's address, I'm going to cap this sucker at three. I am now, officially, leaving it up to you. Vote for your favorite, and 24 hours from now, the winner will be announced. All variations of lying, cheating, stealing and other assorted acts of incredulous behavior will be allowed, perhaps encouraged.

You only have two months left, you know.

(There's free stuff at the bottom. Just sayin'.)

On Thursday, I will officially quit the PTA. I loathe the PTA.

This wasn't always so. Once upon a time, yours truly was elected PRESIDENT of a PTA in Denver. And then she moved to Canada. And then she moved back to Denver, and was elected TREASURER of the PTA. And then she moved to Canada.

I was never the vice president, but I spent two years happily filling the position of President's Bitch. I actually wrote that on a nametag at one of those Back To School Night things PTA's seem to love to throw. The president didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did, but I was the President Elect; what was she gonna do about it?

My job as P-Bitch was to do whatever the president asked me to. She told me one year they were thinking about selling school supplies as a fundraiser. This shit was right up my alley. Spreadsheets, order forms, bundles of things. I volunteered my soul services to the cause.

Here's how it went. We asked the teachers for the next years supply lists. We received 12 completely different lists for 6 grades and 2 special ed classes. We then sent out order forms the last week of school to the families and emailed the holy freaking hell out of them all summer long. All vacation, we window shopped. We watched flyers, checked online site, we stalked #2 pencils like they were Jodi Foster. The month before school started, we hit Target. We hit Target with everything we had, our Red Cards that give back 3% to the assigned schools in hand. We hit them early in the morning, and gave it to them alll day long, and 15 bazillion hours later we walked out with two trunk loads full of supplies.

We then gave our children the totally awesome super fun task of dividing those supplies into piles based on orders. We then recycled every grocery bag ever used in the history of mankind to package those supply bundles into handy dandy packs. And then we delivered them. And then we spent two months chasing people down who had forgotten to write us checks. Or bounced those checks.

Some went to classrooms, some went to homes. Some went straight up my ass for all I know, because no matter how many spreadsheets I created, the fucking numbers never matched. The first day of school, though, 95% of those kids had a full compliment of markers and tissues and dry erase markers, and 5% of those kids parents had some loud words for us.

I call that a success. We made a little money for the PTA, and only two of us had total, complete nervous breakdowns.

Um, dudes? Right after yesterday, when I was apparently born, someone out there figured out that this arrangement sucks and got into the busines of doing school supplies.

There is a company in Denver, and guess what their name is? EZ School Supplies. Guess what they're in the business of? Yup, E-Z School Supplies. I think I just cried a little.

The school supply coordinator (on their end; read: not a mother of three who wants to drink heavily by July) takes your school supply lists (provided by the teachers, the parents, or your friendly neighbourhood P-Bitch) and they SAVE IT. You go search for your school, click on your grade level, and hit ORDER. You can customize your supplies, add backpacks and water-bottles and stuff, too. In the mail a little while later comes one very snazy little school supply pack. They also provide marketing supplies for the PTA. Now, as much as I know you like those huge reams of paper and that glitter glue (don't huff it, shit burns, yo) having it pre-made is pretty freaking sweet.

And no one has to lose their mind.

The best part is that if you order as a PTA, your PTA gets 10% of the net sales rebated back.

And no one had to lose their minds. The best best part is that EZ School Supplies gave me a code to give to you for 10% off orders.

::If you scanned all that and are reading the last lines, here's the nutshell::

10% off School Supplies ordered with the code through this blog.

10% back to the PTA if your school signs up as a group.

Delivered to your door.

And no one had to lose their fucking minds.

I have this nifty little button, and it will sit in my sidebar all summer long. Click it, enter the promo number, and order away.

And I happen to have, right here in my hot little hands, a sample school supply pack that they sent me all the way up here in Canada, even though they don't actually ship to Canada. And I'm giving it away. My ten year old said it was "Wicked Cool" and that I couldn't give it away, but he still picks his nose, so his opinion doesn't matter.

Leave a comment, and tell me your worst PTA horror story. The worst that's ever happened to you, the worst you've heard, the most hideous PTA person you've ever met. Or just say, Hey, hook a sister up!  And remember, you've got some stiff competition. Winner by popular vote doesn't have to go school supply shopping at all this year. And maybe I'll throw a metric ruler or some maple syrup in the box, just for good measure.