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Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 1:05AMThere is a reason I go to bed hours before my husband does, and this right here is exactly it.
It is 1:06 am and I am sitting on the couch with that exhilarated feeling you get in your head and your forearm for exactly 1.37 seconds when you just *know* that this time, the lawn mower is going to start.
My father will tell you with no hesitation that my first step-mother attempted to murder him in his sleep one night. He woke up in the middle of the night to find her straddling him (easy, tiger, it's a family blog) with one hand over his mouth and the other pinching his nose shut.
They say we all marry our fathers. I guess I married my father's sinuses.
When I was very, very little, we lived in a house made of stucco and mud. The walls were ridiculously thin and my bunkbeds shared a wall with my father's headboard. Knowing this fact, you think they wouldn't have let me watch hour after hour of The Incredible Hulk, but no one ever said my parents were smart and more nights than not I ended up wedged in between them in their bed where I could confirm with deafening certainty that the source of that horrible, wall-shaking noise was my father's face.
I guess it's not until you're married for a few years that snoring goes from lullabyish soothing to force-choke worthy.
Tonight I laid in my bed, counting chain saws, trying to figure out why I let him go to bed first and how much duct tape it would take to remedy the situation. I tried to channel my inner four year old and find a way to be comforted by the audio reenactments of the book of Revelations on the pillow next to mine, but it turns out that pretending your husband is your father, even for a second, it just a terrible, rotten, no good very bad idea, indeed.
Reader Comments (11)
The XKCD Comic is just WRONG on so many levels....
I snore...I only know this because I never wake up rested and my wife recorded it one night to prove it to me...
I'm betting she's sleeping better with me on the wrong side of the country the last six months... That is assuming she can't hear it from there.
They snore in Australia too.
An elbow to the solar plexus, when delivered fast and semi-shallowly, will put an end to that -- at least for the 10 minutes that it can cause a
newmotherwifegirlfriendwoman tired as fucking hell to drop off, via the aide of a vat of ambien.Just sayin'.
Pinch the nose until they roll over/wake up. Doesn't kill them but is uncomfortable.
You had me at Force choke.
We are apparently married to the same man. :)
In an effort to get some sleep, I have resorted to sleeping with earplugs.
Oh, mine is a snorer, too. Every night I am in a race to fall asleep before he does, and I never win. I spend a good portion of the night kicking and elbowing him in attempt to stop the puckering and spewing.
I know EXACTLY what you mean! I, too, have to go to bed before my husband unless I want to be kept awake all night from the snoring. The baby years with my two boys were hell because I would get up to tend to them and not be able to go back to sleep, no matter how tired I was, because the snoring was so loud.
I love hearing this story from you. The title itself was very intriguing. I just wonder how many chain saws have you counted before going to sleep? Haha.
- Dylan
This is precisely the reason I send my wife to bed at least half an hour before I decide to call it a night :)
Thank the Lord my husband works odd hours and doesn't come to bed until very, very, late! I just re-did the guest room so I have a safe place to hide from the chainsaw massacre going on beside me. The more I'm forced awake the more I think he is doing it on purpose just to drive me insane! (too many old movies) I find that a well medicated sleep on my part helps! Glad I'm not the only one.